(This blog was originally written by me for LifeSurfer in 2015/2016)
If I could tell you one thing today let it be this:
Instead of focusing on the abuser; what he must be thinking, what he is up to next, if that last message he has sent was narcissistic or not, what he… whatever… just stop it and instead focus on what is right for you. What makes you feel empowered. What makes you feel loved. What makes you feel happy. What makes you stronger. What makes you feel alive.
You don’t have any control about what the abuser is up to next and your strength is not in what you can’t control but in what you can do to make yourself stronger. All else is wasted energy. The only thing you have any influence on is you and how you respond to things happening to you and to your life.
That’s sounds easy and it isn’t, I am aware of that. But if you want to become a stronger version of yourself you have to stop giving power away to things you can’t control and start focusing on you , your progress, and making your life the best as you possibly can.
Taking back your power
So if that means you have to block him on facebook and whatsapp to regain some sanity, do it. Actually, that is one of the most important things you actually can do. If you have children together and there has to be some kind of interaction; ask someone to do that for you. Give yourself time to become a stronger version of you without becoming confused because you are reminded of the person you once were and the power difference and inequality that has been in the relationship between the two of you.
Become aware when your mind is drifting of to thoughts like whatever he should have done, must do, has done or whatever… realise why you still have those thoughts (anger, fear?), tell yourself that you will release those thoughts/won’t act upon them and go do something totally different. If you don’t have something to do; do pilates, or yoga, or the dishes. If you don’t have dishes to clean, come to my place, do mine. You have better things to do in your life than wanting to change things that won’t be changed, to busy yourself with things you cannot change, to give power away to someone not worthy of your precious time and energy. You have better things to do.
Remember: you are A.W.E.S.O.M.E.
And you totally got this.