When/how an abusive ex-partner want’s to control you via the court system

control court system

Power and control

One of the main problems is that the violence against women coming out of abusive relationships, doesn’t end as soon as that relationship is over. The power and abusive dynamics that existed during that relationship can linger on long after the relationship ended. Ofcourse this can apply to men as well but in this blog I will focus mainly on my own personal story. That need to control others is often not limited to the partner. Often children are emotionally, physically abused or manipulated to how the abuser sees fit.

But if that would be all, the only thing that the abused parent had to do is to go to court and to go to social services to ask for help, right?

I wish it would be so easy.

Getting control over the victim via the court system

I remember attending the WAVE conference in Berlin two years ago, where there were participants with all kinds of nationalities holding their hands up high when asked if they were familiar with abusive parents using the family courts to gain control over the children. Not for in this case the fathers to have the children but to leave the moms without the children. Or use them as a threat to control mom again. Almost all hands went up.

It happened to me too. I fled with my children away from my abusive ex-partner when they were one year old. He has abused me so severely that they were born 7 weeks prematurely. We didn’t hear from him for a long time until I temporarily received money from the government since I had no job at that point and although I begged them not to, they contacted the ex to force him to pay alimony for the children. Then he wanted value for his money. The court send an social services employee two times for a short period of time who shrugged when I begged her to not let him be alone with me. She did let me be alone with him and he threatened me when I picked up the kids. To make a long story short, the judge didn’t saw any problems for him having unsupervised visitation rights. Sadly I knew my ex better than the judge did.

He abused one of my sons so severely at one point during visitation that he is now permanently hearing impaired. He put both of my children under a cold shower, cut in the pink part of the nails of their fingers and toes (nail bed) and forced them to eat foods that they weren’t allowed to eat because of their premature birth.

Infringing the rules

I made the very hard decision to go against the court rulings because my children were not safe. Ofcourse I was very scared but if they won’t protect my children, I have too. I had to re-fringe the rules despite whatever consequence.

Consequences

In the Netherlands the court has the right to get you imprisoned if you don’t (fully) cooperate with visitation rights. My ex asked the court for that measure, wanted sole custody, tried to stop me from studying and wanted money for everytime I didn’t let the children visit their biological father.

The judge ruled I should pay my ex 500 euro for every time I wouldn’t let my children go to their biological father alone. That means that within a few months I owed him 15.000 euro.

Next to that I didn’t get permission to finish my studies which left me in study debt which meant I couldn’t make my dream to work for the UN come true.

Although my dream to work for the UN didn’t come true I did start the PAVE podcast where I talk and connect with UN speakers, and all those influencers who try to end the violence against women and children. Making my dream come true by following a different path.

But I know the system hasn’t changed. Especially since judges all over the world often still use practices from the ‘70’s and ‘80’s  a time where research on domestic violence were just in the beginning phase.

Future me too campaign

The time for change has come. I believe that the metoo campaign will ignite new phases where malpractices come too light. It will shine a light on those people who looked the other way and told the victim to be silent, it will shine a light on outdated practices used by professionals. I believe we have a lot to do. And there is a lot of training needed to be done.

CHANGE

The lives of abused people, whether men, women, or children are at stake and we can’t take their lives for granted. And that is a message for all policemen, the court. lawyers, social workers etc. Inform yourself with all information that is available like the ACE studies, the Safe Child Act, the Quincy solution. Read books like Donald Dutton’s ” the abusive personality” . Learn how to truly recognise abuse. And let us extend and make use out of the METOO campaign to create a new reality for survivors.

 

Abuse, Blog, Personal, Speaking, UN women

PAVE 016: Being the executive director of UN women NL, Combatting violence against women, defending women’s rights and working for the LGTBI community on the Western Balkans with Marije Cornelissen

Marije Cornelissen PAVE podcast

Marije Cornelissen is the executive director of UN Women the Netherlands. Previously she was a UN Women’s Representative of the Netherlands in 2016. Next to this she works as a freelance consultant for national and international institutions concerning human rights organizations and she gives courses and workshops on lobbying at Leiden University, Clingendael and the College of Europe.

Marije Cornelissen grew up in a leftwing and feminist family. At a young age she participated in the demonstrations against the presence of weapons of mass destruction in the Netherlands.

Since the 1990s Cornelissen has been active in the GreenLeft party. Between 1996 and 1997 she worked as an assistant to MEP Nel van Dijk on women’s rights. In addition she was active in the Feminist Network of the GreenLeft and she was active in the European Green Party, where she coordinated the dialogue between East and West European Greens.

In 2009 she was a candidate for the European Parliament for the GreenLeft. The party congress put her on number three of the list, which was deemed unelectable. As a candidate for the European Parliament Cornelissen campaigned on social affairs, emancipation and anti-discrimination. She advocated increased solidarity between the member states of the European Union.[1][2] Unexpectedly the GreenLeft won a third seat in the election and Cornelissen was elected.

After the election she became a member of the Committee on Women’s Rights and Gender Equality and Committee on Employment and Social Affairs.

She served as a member of the European Parliament between 14 July 2009 and 1 July 2014.

In today’s episode we discuss: how to use lobby as a instrument for human rights, how Marije became a UN representative, fighting injustice as a passion, what working as a MEP taught her, why it is riddiculus to bring the problem and the solution in women’s court and next to all of this: why she want’s a cricket little church and a statue of a cow painted in orange.

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

3:00 How Marije became a very young activist at the age of 6

5:00 How Marije became a UN representetive

7:00 Founding UN women Netherlands

9:00 Emma watson, he for she goodwill ambassador 

10:00 The he for she artsweek in the Netherlands

11:50 Women’s rights year and the international day against violence to women

Why Marije want’s a cow or a cricket little church lightning in orange

13:00 Orange the world.nl

17:10 Balancing being a mom, being the executive director of UNwomen NL, a teacher, an freelance consultant and an activist. 

18:00 Working for the LGTBI community at the Western Balkans. 

20:00 Fighting in injustice as a passion.

21:00 The riddiculusness to bring the problem and solution of in women’s court. 

24:00 Touching experiences at work

25:00 How we can support UNwomen

28:00 The discovery that made Marije experience things differently

“If you are a director at a charity people are wonderful, instead of critiszing of everything. I never realised how negatively politicians are viewed. I am still the same but people tend to view politicians very differently then regular people.” 

33:00 How you can become involved with the UN

34:00 Quote from Marije Cornelissen

33:00 What Marije dislikes about the womens’rights movement

TWEETABLES and QUOTES:

MORE ABOUT MARIJE CORNELISSEN AND HER WORK:

Websites mentioned: 

www.unwomen.nl

www.heforshe.nl

www.orangetheworld.nl

www.safestreets.nl

Donations for UNwomen NL: https://unwomen.nl/jij-kunt-helpen/word-donateur/

Social Media: 

Twitter:

@unwomen_nl

@MarijeC

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/unwomennederland

MORE ABOUT PAVE:

Website: https://www.aliannelooijenga.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PAVE-professionals-against-violence-podcast-1253878638026611/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga/

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, are you interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, do you want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

 

Activism, PAVE Podcast, UN women, Women's rights

PAVE 015: Work With Perpetrators, differences in Europe regarding Perpetrator programs, Changing the Judical system, creating an European Framework and preventing violence in close relationships with Alessandra Pauncz

Alessandra Pauncz has been working in the field of domestic violence for 20 years and has covered many areas of expertise. She has advocated and worked for victims of domestic violence as a shelter worker, psychologist, researcher, manager, trainer, and in fund and conscious raising at a local , provincial, regional, national and European level ( She founded and ran the first Centre in Italy working with perpetrators (namely the – Centre for abusive men), and set up the National Italian Network of work with perpetatrors (Relive). Additionally, Alessandra has published articles and books like Shifting power: How to recognize and overcome psychologically abusive relationships

She is the executive director of Work With Perpetrators. The European Network for the Work With Perpetrators of domestic violence (WWP EN) is a membership association of organisations directly or indirectly working with people who perpetrate violence in close relationships. The main focus of WWP EN is violence perpetrated by men against women and children.

The overall mission of WWP EN is to prevent violence in close relationships as a gender-based phenomenon and to foster gender equality. More specifically, the mission of WWP EN is to improve the safety of women and their children and others at risk from violence in close relationships, through the promotion of effective work with those who perpetrate this violence, mainly men.

Today we will discuss  why WWP focusses on perpetrators of violence, why perpetrators don’t see themselves as a perpetrator, the differences within Europe regarding to perpetrator programs, why working with perpetrators makes you less helpless and how we can change the judical system.

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

2.25: The beginning of WWP

5:55  Why WWP focuses on perpetrators

7:50 Are men really held accountable via the media

9:00 Violence in Italy

11:00 Why the media isn’t helpful and why perpetrators don’t see themselves as a perpetrator

12:28 Is there a big difference between perpetrator programs accross Europe?

15:15 About the coming annual workshop

18:00 The effect of pornography on boys

19:55 Behind the scenes of the European framework perpetrator programs

21:00 Publicly available research

21:45 The different kind of perpetrators referrals

25:00 What a perpatrator feels

28:10 Events coming up for WWP

29:00 What do you want to accomplished?

31:00 Pressing issues that WWP faces

34:00 What kind of change do we need?

35:40 Is a perpatror sorry for himself or for the victim? What does he regret exactly?

36:00 How Alessandra was being haunted by the ghosts who haunted all the women Alessandra has worked with and how that influenced how she looked at the world. And how her son helped her to get rid of those ghosts.

42:00 Why working with perpetrators makes you less helpless.

44:25 Recommending book allen Jenkins

TWEETABLES and QUOTES:

 

MORE ABOUT ALESSANDRA PAUNCZ AND WORK WITH PERPETRATORS:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/WwpEuropeanNetwork/

The website of WWP was: https://www.work-with-perpetrators.eu/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/european_network_wwp

BOOKS MENTIONED:

https://www.amazon.com/Shifting-power-recognize-psychologically-relationships/dp/1500227951

https://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Ethical-Parallel-Political-Journey/dp/1905541406/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1534776252&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=allan+jenkins+becoming+ethical

MORE ABOUT PAVE

Website: https://www.aliannelooijenga.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/PAVE-professionals-against-violence-podcast-1253878638026611/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga/

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, are you interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, do you want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

Abuse, Activism, Interview, PAVE Podcast

Regarding the investigation of UN advisor Ravi Karkara for sexual misconduct

ravi karkara
Update 09/08/2018
 
A while ago I was warned by Mandy Sanghera (my mentor and first guest on the PAVE podcast) that Ravi Karkara was under investigation for sexual misconduct.
 
Ravi was also one of the first guests of the PAVE podcast and senior advisor for UN women. Although I knew about this dreadful news for a while I am still shocked and at first didn’t know what to do about this particular episode with Ravi. Should I delete it, should I take it down, I really had no idea. And to be honest I am still not quite sure what to do with it right now.
 
Until I am sure about what to do I decided to keep this episode. Not only because the investigation of the UN is still going on but also because it shows that (sexual) abuse, manipulation and misuse of power can happen everywhere. That what someone is pretending to be can very differ from the reality. It can happen in every organisation, in every position, regardless of gender and even an institution like the UN is not immune to it.
 
What is important now is what the UN will do with their investigation, what the outcome is of this and the other accusations in former and present complaints of other people.
 
My wish is that the UN will take a stand and will serve as a rolemodel for institutions like courts, police stations and so on. Because victims have been silenced for to long.
 
Thank you Mandy and Kerry for supporting victims!
 
#silencedtoolong. #metoo
 
https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2018/aug/08/senior-un-gender-and-youth-adviser-accused-sexual-misconduct-ravi-karkara-investigation-eight-men-un-women
Blog

PAVE 014: Safe Child Act, ACE studies, Protective Mothers, Parental Alienation with Barry Goldstein

Barry Goldstein is an internationally recognized domestic violence author, speaker and advocate. He is the author of five of the leading books about domestic Violence and child custody, most recently, The Quincy Solution: Stop Domestic Violence and Save $500 Billion. Barry will be the featured speaker at an international conference in Melbourne, Australia on August 3. He developed the Safe Child Act which is the solution to the widespread failure of custody courts to protect children in abuse cases. Barry frequently serves as an expert witness to try to educate courts about current research. He is Director of Research for the Stop Abuse Campaign and co-chair of the Child Custody Task Group for NOMAS.

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 014 with Barry Goldstein  please click here:

About your host: 

Alianne Looijenga is an international speaker motivating organizations to effectively help survivors of partner abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse. She is also the founder of aliannelooijenga.com and the Professionals against violence (PAVE) podcast.   Alianne is a survivor of sexual abuse (including rape); partner abuse; and is the mother of twins who were abused by their biological father after a judge granted him visitation rights when the children were three years old.

Alianne is dedicated to the empowerment of survivors of abuse and to support organisations working to end the violence against women and children.

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

2.20 How did you become a domestic violence speaker, author and advocate?

4.00 The definition of a protective parent?

6:29 PAS

  • Bad reputation
  • Court professionals, doesn’t know about the origin of PAS

7.00 Joan Meier ( is a nationally recognized expert on domestic violence and the law, appellate litigation, and clinical law teaching)

8:26 The criminalisation of protective mothers

11.27 Safe child act

20:00 When abusers try to regain control over their victims using the family court system.

25:00 Working with Mo Hannah and being an author.

32:00 How Barry got the nickname “Believer”. (+ court example of bad judgement and the consequences of not being believed by a judge)

TWEETABLES and QUOTES:

“Courts need to use the right experts. The original decision was to turn to mental health professionals as if they are experts in everything. And yes they are professionals in psychology, they are experts in mental illness. But they are not experts in domestic violence. They are not experts in child sexual abuse. And when they try to resolve those issues that’s where we go in really bad directions. When we have an DV issue, courts should use someone who is an expert in DV.”

MORE ABOUT BARRY GOLDSTEIN

Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/GoldsteinBarry/

Amazon: Scared-Leave-Afraid-Stay-Violence

Amazon: Quincy-Solution-Barry-Goldstein

The website of the stop abuse campaign is: http://stopabusecampaign.org/about/board/barry-goldstein

MORE ABOUT PAVE

Website: https://www.aliannelooijenga.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/aliannespeaks/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga/

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, are you interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, do you want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

 

 

Abuse, Activism, PAVE Podcast

PAVE 013: Swaggarlicious- using football to induce confidence and self-worth in people suffering from mental health issues with Manisha Tailor

Manisha Tailor

Manisha Tailor is a trained Head teacher who previously worked as a deputy head in a primary school. She has always had a passion for football and her personal experience of becoming a young carer 20 years ago inspired her to develop work around mental health using sport. In 2013 she received the Woman in Football Award at the Asian Football Awards and was honoured with an MBE in the 2017 new years honours list for her services to football anf diversity in sport. She tutors for The FA delivering equality education as well as one of few female ethnic minority women who holds part time contract as an academy coach at Queens Park Rangers Football Club. 

She has recently published a teaching resource to help teachers and parents create open dialogue around different issues concerning wellbeing and our mental health.  It is titled “Child in Mind” and available to purchase on Amazon.

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 013 with Manisha Tailor from Swaggarlicious please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against-violence-podcast/id1203285774?mt=2

About your host: 

Alianne Looijenga is an international speaker motivating organizations to effectively help survivors of partner abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse. She is also the founder of aliannelooijenga.com and the Professionals against violence (PAVE) podcast.   Alianne is a survivor of sexual abuse (including rape); partner abuse; and is the mother of twins who were abused by their biological father after a judge granted him visitation rights when the children were three years old.

Alianne is dedicated to the empowerment of survivors of abuse and to support organisations working to end the violence against women and children.

Manisha Tailor

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

0-5:00 About Manisha and Swaggarlicious

12:00 FA’s equality education, football for all, the FA steering group

17:50 Running a business on your own earnings

20:00 How football helped Manisha, because football was a way for Manisha to help her brother with his disease. Manisha’s twinbrother became nonverbal after a series of traumatic events and long term bullying.

23:00 Becoming a young deputy head, losing feeling with the game, fueling anger in wanting to be succesful and finding a way to cope with anger, frustration and sadness.

  • Using football to reconnect with her brother and her emotions.

28:00 Chosing for her brother instead of her own dreams, untill he is happy and can take care of his self

29:00 Finding peace and being happy with her life

31:00 Coping with feelings of guilt towards her brother

32:00 How Manisha lives her life to the fullest within the situation she is given

33:00 How children came up with the name Swaggarlicious

38:00 Empowering girls to become changemakers

39:00 Manisha’s ultimate goals and dreams to:

Work fulltime at a professional footballclub and not to only empower those who suffer from mental health but support government bodies, service providers that in the years to come would be an accomplisment.

44:00 what Manisha needs to continue and ways we can support:

45:00 being author of “child in mind” book

47:00 Interesting read: “the effective board member” from Karl George

TWEETABLES:

MORE ABOUT MANISHA and SWAGGARLICIOUS

The website is: http://swaggarlicious.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/swaggarlicious/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Swaggarlicious_

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/swaggarlicious_/?hl=nl

Amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Child-Mind-teaching-understanding-wellbeing/dp/152721852X

MORE ABOUT PAVE

Website: https://www.aliannelooijenga.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/aliannespeaks/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga/

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 013 with Manisha Tailor from Swaggarlicious please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against-violence-podcast/id1203285774?mt=2

 

Abuse, Family, Feminism, Gender Equality, Health, Mindset, PAVE Podcast, Personal

PAVE 012: Domestic abuse training & sexual violence training in every organisation with Lyndsey Dearlove from UK says NO MORE

Lyndsey Dearlove UK says no more

Lyndsey Dearlove has spent the past couple of years developing UK SAYS NO MORE – a national initiative to raise awareness of domestic abuse and sexual violence in the UK and Bright Sky – a domestic abuse and sexual violence awareness and prevention app for victims of abuse, professionals and for those who are concerned about a friend, colleague or family member. Prior to this Lyndsey has worked with victims of domestic abuse, sexual violence and violent crime for over 15 years.

She has managed domestic abuse outreach support services, refuges, children and family services, Independent domestic violence services (IDVA) and co-ordinated multi-agency risk assessment conferences (MARAC’s). During her time as the manager of the Hillingdon domestic abuse outreach service, she developed the award winning Butterfly Project which is an adaptable model for survivor led – peer support groups. Lyndsey has extensive experience in creating and delivering training around gender constructs, peer support, young people and abuse, risk assessment and management, domestic abuse and sexual violence.

She has delivered training to the Metropolitan police, Local authorities, not for profit organisations, universities and colleges and most recently the National Football League (NFL), where she created and delivered training around gender, domestic abuse and sexual violence. Lyndsey enjoys bringing people to together; to share experiences, ideas, knowledge and expertise and truly believes that only by working together can we end domestic abuse and sexual violence.

ABOUT HESTIA – Hestia delivers services across London and the surrounding regions, as well as campaign and advocate nationally on the issues that affect the people we work with. Last year they supported over 9,000 men, women and children. This includes victims of modern slavery, women and children who have experienced domestic abuse, young care leavers and older people. From giving someone a home, to helping them to get the right mental health support, they support people at the moment of crisis and enable them to build a life beyond a crisis. Hestia is supported by more than 460 volunteers across London who provide specialist skills such as art therapy, yoga, IT, gardening and cooking, as well as befriending and fundraising. Hestia is proud to be the home of UK SAYS NO MORE, bringing together a diverse coalition of individuals, charities, businesses and public sector organisations to campaign for an end to domestic abuse and sexual violence.

UK SAYS NO MORE is a national campaign launched to raise awareness of domestic violence and sexual assault across the UK. The campaign was launched by London charity Hestia in 2016. UK SAYS NO MORE seeks to unite and strengthen a diverse community of members of the public and organisations nationwide to actively take a stand against domestic violence and sexual assault under one powerful, visual symbol. The campaign provides open-source tools and resources for individuals and organisations to take action and get involved in ending domestic violence and sexual assault. Together we can challenge the myths and misconceptions around these issues, share resources and information, and ultimately work together to make real positive change.

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 012 with Lyndsey Dearlove please click here:

About your host: 

Alianne Looijenga is an international speaker motivating organizations to effectively help survivors of partner abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse. She is also the founder of aliannelooijenga.com and the Professionals against violence (PAVE) podcast.   Alianne is a survivor of sexual abuse (including rape); partner abuse; and is the mother of twins who were abused by their biological father after a judge granted him visitation rights when the children were three years old.

Alianne is dedicated to the empowerment of survivors of abuse and to support organisations working to end the violence against women and children.

Lyndsey Dearlove UK says no more

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

0-19 minutes: About Hestia, UK says no more, Lyndsey Dearlove

20.00 NFL ambassadorprogram where football players teach other boys about what masculinity means in this society, concent in healthy relationships and what their role is to end the violence against women. 

“If I am unable to drive someone home in a car why are you able to decide if you are able to have consensual sex or not”

25:00 No more hub

26:00 UK says no more week

30:00 When Lyndsey is old and is looking back at her life, what does she want to have accomplished?

34:00 minuten Victim blaming Knowledge is nothing untill you share it “

“We have to have domestic abuse training and sexual violence training in every single organisation”

36:00 listening without judging

37:00 an exercise Lyndsey always does with her students to let them feel the reality survivors face when leaving an abuser. 

40:00 Managing UK says no more and working with surviving children

45:00 The importance of education 

49:00 How to leave your work at work

50:00 Taking time to reflect

51:00 With all things going on, what is Lyndsey most eager to solve

57:00 Advice inspiration and a succes story

 

TWEETABLES:

MORE ABOUT UK SAYS NO MORE

Our website is: http://uksaysnomore.org/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/UKSAYSNOMORE/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/UKSAYSNOMORE

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/uksaysnomore/?hl=en

MORE ABOUT PAVE

https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga

www.aliannelooijenga.com

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 012 with Lyndsey Dearlove from UK says NO MORE please click here:

Abuse, Activism, Gender Equality, PAVE Podcast, Podcast, Women's rights

PAVE 011: Fighting your own battles first before you can save others and become a superwoman next door with Upasana Chauhan

Upasana Chauhan

Upasana Chauhan is the founder of Superwoman Next Door. She is an UN Representative  of Manup Campaign, spread across 23 countries to involve men in the battle of Gender Equality. Upasana send me an impressive list of 14 organisations/projects she is involved with including many from the UN, but it would be a too long (although impressive) list to share on this blogpage. If you want to read it for yourself, click here: http://www.womenshealthsection.com/content/documents/Upasana_Chauhan_Resume.pdf

Upasana’s dream and passion is to encourage and empower every girl next door to be courageous to DARE TO DREAM and be her own superwoman to get those dreams. She is on the drafting committee for the Newyork City for CEDAW bill.

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 011 with Upasana Chauhan please click here: PAVE podcast with Upasana Chauhan on Itunes

About your host: 

Alianne Looijenga is an international speaker motivating organizations to effectively help survivors of partner abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse. She is also the founder of aliannelooijenga.com and the Professionals against violence (PAVE) podcast.   Alianne is a survivor of sexual abuse (including rape); partner abuse; and is the mother of twins who were abused by their biological father after a judge granted him visitation rights when the children were three years old.

Alianne is dedicated to the empowerment of survivors of abuse and to support organisations working to end the violence against women and children.

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

1:24 : Growing up in India

2:50 Paving your own path and paving the path for others 

3:15 NGO “I do dare”, ManUp campaign of the UN, Upasana’s career so far. 

7:00 Is there a change within the men of India, about how they view women? 

7:30 How men teach other men about women’s rights

8:00 Losing your identity as a woman when you marry in India

10:00 What Upasana discovered when she was looking for an arranged marriage

12:00 Passing values on to your children

14:50 What drives Upasana

21:00 When women are objects and have no rights

24:00 How do you re-energize when you fight so hard for other women’s rights?

32:00 Why people believe that they are entitled to judge another human being

33:00 Rediscovering your identity

35:00 Female suicides in India 

I can do anything for them, but I can’t go to their homes with them. Because that is a battle that each one has to fight for themselves.

I had to fight the battle myself inside my own home first. Then only I can fight it globally. You have to first fight it for yourself.

40:00 The importance of financial independence

Take that fear out of your body. Throw the fear out. Fear controls you. You get scared what happens if I do this, or what happens if I do that.

44:00 Upasana’s advice if you want to change other people’s lives

46:00 Why your work should not be about you

48:00 When you respond with kindness and love to people who put you down, you include them into your journey

51:00 How we can support Upasana by sharing stories about women who live next door to us.

“Alianne is equally Oprah Winfrey as Oprah Winfrey is Alianne.

You are your own superwoman in your own way doing your own amazing thing. So is Oprah. The only difference is that the whole world knows Oprah, and your neighbor knows Alianne. But is Alianne any less than Oprah? No. And that’s why I started SuperWoman Next Door.” – Upasana Chauhan 

59:00 Initial ending: yeah kidding, we talked further

1:03:00 Get out of that thing that holds you down

Be your own superwoman. Don’t wait for someone to save you. Nobody will come and save you. You will have to save yourself. There is no prince charming. And even if there is, he can come and join you while you save yourself. But you don’t have to sit and wait around. You have to take control.

1:08:00 Being grateful in difficult times, ending. 

TWEETABLES:

MORE ABOUT UPASANA AND SUPERWOMAN NEXT DOOR

https://twitter.com/upasanac?lang=en

https://www.facebook.com/superwomannextdoor/

Superwoman Next Door website

To submit stories to Upasana:

superwomannextdoor@gmail.com

MORE ABOUT PAVE

https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga

Www.aliannelooijenga.com

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 011 with Upasana Chauhan please click here: PAVE podcast with Upasana Chauhan on Itunes

 

Abuse, Activism, Gender Equality, PAVE Podcast, Podcast, UN women, Women's rights