PAVE 014: Safe Child Act, ACE studies, Protective Mothers, Parental Alienation with Barry Goldstein

Barry Goldstein is an internationally recognized domestic violence author, speaker and advocate. He is the author of five of the leading books about domestic Violence and child custody, most recently, The Quincy Solution: Stop Domestic Violence and Save $500 Billion. Barry will be the featured speaker at an international conference in Melbourne, Australia on August 3. He developed the Safe Child Act which is the solution to the widespread failure of custody courts to protect children in abuse cases. Barry frequently serves as an expert witness to try to educate courts about current research. He is Director of Research for the Stop Abuse Campaign and co-chair of the Child Custody Task Group for NOMAS.

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 014 with Barry Goldstein  please click here:

About your host: 

Alianne Looijenga is an international speaker motivating organizations to effectively help survivors of partner abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse. She is also the founder of aliannelooijenga.com and the Professionals against violence (PAVE) podcast.   Alianne is a survivor of sexual abuse (including rape); partner abuse; and is the mother of twins who were abused by their biological father after a judge granted him visitation rights when the children were three years old.

Alianne is dedicated to the empowerment of survivors of abuse and to support organisations working to end the violence against women and children.

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

2.20 How did you become a domestic violence speaker, author and advocate?

4.00 The definition of a protective parent?

6:29 PAS

  • Bad reputation
  • Court professionals, doesn’t know about the origin of PAS

7.00 Joan Meier ( is a nationally recognized expert on domestic violence and the law, appellate litigation, and clinical law teaching)

8:26 The criminalisation of protective mothers

11.27 Safe child act

20:00 When abusers try to regain control over their victims using the family court system.

25:00 Working with Mo Hannah and being an author.

32:00 How Barry got the nickname “Believer”. (+ court example of bad judgement and the consequences of not being believed by a judge)

TWEETABLES and QUOTES:

“Courts need to use the right experts. The original decision was to turn to mental health professionals as if they are experts in everything. And yes they are professionals in psychology, they are experts in mental illness. But they are not experts in domestic violence. They are not experts in child sexual abuse. And when they try to resolve those issues that’s where we go in really bad directions. When we have an DV issue, courts should use someone who is an expert in DV.”

MORE ABOUT MANISHA and SWAGGARLICIOUS

Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/GoldsteinBarry/

Amazon: Scared-Leave-Afraid-Stay-Violence

Amazon: Quincy-Solution-Barry-Goldstein

The website of the stop abuse campaign is: http://stopabusecampaign.org/about/board/barry-goldstein

MORE ABOUT PAVE

Website: https://www.aliannelooijenga.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/aliannespeaks/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga/

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, are you interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, do you want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 014 with Barry Goldstein please click here:

 

Abuse, Activism, PAVE Podcast

PAVE 013: Swaggarlicious- using football to induce confidence and self-worth in people suffering from mental health issues with Manisha Tailor

Manisha Tailor

Manisha Tailor is a trained Head teacher who previously worked as a deputy head in a primary school. She has always had a passion for football and her personal experience of becoming a young carer 20 years ago inspired her to develop work around mental health using sport. In 2013 she received the Woman in Football Award at the Asian Football Awards and was honoured with an MBE in the 2017 new years honours list for her services to football anf diversity in sport. She tutors for The FA delivering equality education as well as one of few female ethnic minority women who holds part time contract as an academy coach at Queens Park Rangers Football Club. 

She has recently published a teaching resource to help teachers and parents create open dialogue around different issues concerning wellbeing and our mental health.  It is titled “Child in Mind” and available to purchase on Amazon.

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 013 with Manisha Tailor from Swaggarlicious please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against-violence-podcast/id1203285774?mt=2

About your host: 

Alianne Looijenga is an international speaker motivating organizations to effectively help survivors of partner abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse. She is also the founder of aliannelooijenga.com and the Professionals against violence (PAVE) podcast.   Alianne is a survivor of sexual abuse (including rape); partner abuse; and is the mother of twins who were abused by their biological father after a judge granted him visitation rights when the children were three years old.

Alianne is dedicated to the empowerment of survivors of abuse and to support organisations working to end the violence against women and children.

Manisha Tailor

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

0-5:00 About Manisha and Swaggarlicious

12:00 FA’s equality education, football for all, the FA steering group

17:50 Running a business on your own earnings

20:00 How football helped Manisha, because football was a way for Manisha to help her brother with his disease. Manisha’s twinbrother became nonverbal after a series of traumatic events and long term bullying.

23:00 Becoming a young deputy head, losing feeling with the game, fueling anger in wanting to be succesful and finding a way to cope with anger, frustration and sadness.

  • Using football to reconnect with her brother and her emotions.

28:00 Chosing for her brother instead of her own dreams, untill he is happy and can take care of his self

29:00 Finding peace and being happy with her life

31:00 Coping with feelings of guilt towards her brother

32:00 How Manisha lives her life to the fullest within the situation she is given

33:00 How children came up with the name Swaggarlicious

38:00 Empowering girls to become changemakers

39:00 Manisha’s ultimate goals and dreams to:

Work fulltime at a professional footballclub and not to only empower those who suffer from mental health but support government bodies, service providers that in the years to come would be an accomplisment.

44:00 what Manisha needs to continue and ways we can support:

45:00 being author of “child in mind” book

47:00 Interesting read: “the effective board member” from Karl George

TWEETABLES:

MORE ABOUT MANISHA and SWAGGARLICIOUS

The website is: http://swaggarlicious.com/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/swaggarlicious/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/Swaggarlicious_

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/swaggarlicious_/?hl=nl

Amazon: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Child-Mind-teaching-understanding-wellbeing/dp/152721852X

MORE ABOUT PAVE

Website: https://www.aliannelooijenga.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/aliannespeaks/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga/

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 013 with Manisha Tailor from Swaggarlicious please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against-violence-podcast/id1203285774?mt=2

 

Abuse, Family, Feminism, Gender Equality, Health, Mindset, PAVE Podcast, Personal

PAVE 012: Domestic abuse training & sexual violence training in every organisation with Lyndsey Dearlove from UK says NO MORE

Lyndsey Dearlove UK says no more

Lyndsey Dearlove has spent the past couple of years developing UK SAYS NO MORE – a national initiative to raise awareness of domestic abuse and sexual violence in the UK and Bright Sky – a domestic abuse and sexual violence awareness and prevention app for victims of abuse, professionals and for those who are concerned about a friend, colleague or family member. Prior to this Lyndsey has worked with victims of domestic abuse, sexual violence and violent crime for over 15 years.

She has managed domestic abuse outreach support services, refuges, children and family services, Independent domestic violence services (IDVA) and co-ordinated multi-agency risk assessment conferences (MARAC’s). During her time as the manager of the Hillingdon domestic abuse outreach service, she developed the award winning Butterfly Project which is an adaptable model for survivor led – peer support groups. Lyndsey has extensive experience in creating and delivering training around gender constructs, peer support, young people and abuse, risk assessment and management, domestic abuse and sexual violence.

She has delivered training to the Metropolitan police, Local authorities, not for profit organisations, universities and colleges and most recently the National Football League (NFL), where she created and delivered training around gender, domestic abuse and sexual violence. Lyndsey enjoys bringing people to together; to share experiences, ideas, knowledge and expertise and truly believes that only by working together can we end domestic abuse and sexual violence.

ABOUT HESTIA – Hestia delivers services across London and the surrounding regions, as well as campaign and advocate nationally on the issues that affect the people we work with. Last year they supported over 9,000 men, women and children. This includes victims of modern slavery, women and children who have experienced domestic abuse, young care leavers and older people. From giving someone a home, to helping them to get the right mental health support, they support people at the moment of crisis and enable them to build a life beyond a crisis. Hestia is supported by more than 460 volunteers across London who provide specialist skills such as art therapy, yoga, IT, gardening and cooking, as well as befriending and fundraising. Hestia is proud to be the home of UK SAYS NO MORE, bringing together a diverse coalition of individuals, charities, businesses and public sector organisations to campaign for an end to domestic abuse and sexual violence.

UK SAYS NO MORE is a national campaign launched to raise awareness of domestic violence and sexual assault across the UK. The campaign was launched by London charity Hestia in 2016. UK SAYS NO MORE seeks to unite and strengthen a diverse community of members of the public and organisations nationwide to actively take a stand against domestic violence and sexual assault under one powerful, visual symbol. The campaign provides open-source tools and resources for individuals and organisations to take action and get involved in ending domestic violence and sexual assault. Together we can challenge the myths and misconceptions around these issues, share resources and information, and ultimately work together to make real positive change.

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 012 with Lyndsey Dearlove please click here:

About your host: 

Alianne Looijenga is an international speaker motivating organizations to effectively help survivors of partner abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse. She is also the founder of aliannelooijenga.com and the Professionals against violence (PAVE) podcast.   Alianne is a survivor of sexual abuse (including rape); partner abuse; and is the mother of twins who were abused by their biological father after a judge granted him visitation rights when the children were three years old.

Alianne is dedicated to the empowerment of survivors of abuse and to support organisations working to end the violence against women and children.

Lyndsey Dearlove UK says no more

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

0-19 minutes: About Hestia, UK says no more, Lyndsey Dearlove

20.00 NFL ambassadorprogram where football players teach other boys about what masculinity means in this society, concent in healthy relationships and what their role is to end the violence against women. 

“If I am unable to drive someone home in a car why are you able to decide if you are able to have consensual sex or not”

25:00 No more hub

26:00 UK says no more week

30:00 When Lyndsey is old and is looking back at her life, what does she want to have accomplished?

34:00 minuten Victim blaming Knowledge is nothing untill you share it “

“We have to have domestic abuse training and sexual violence training in every single organisation”

36:00 listening without judging

37:00 an exercise Lyndsey always does with her students to let them feel the reality survivors face when leaving an abuser. 

40:00 Managing UK says no more and working with surviving children

45:00 The importance of education 

49:00 How to leave your work at work

50:00 Taking time to reflect

51:00 With all things going on, what is Lyndsey most eager to solve

57:00 Advice inspiration and a succes story

 

TWEETABLES:

MORE ABOUT UK SAYS NO MORE

Our website is: http://uksaysnomore.org/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/UKSAYSNOMORE/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/UKSAYSNOMORE

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/uksaysnomore/?hl=en

MORE ABOUT PAVE

https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga

www.aliannelooijenga.com

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 012 with Lyndsey Dearlove from UK says NO MORE please click here:

Abuse, Activism, Gender Equality, PAVE Podcast, Podcast, Women's rights

PAVE 011: Fighting your own battles first before you can save others and become a superwoman next door with Upasana Chauhan

Upasana Chauhan

Upasana Chauhan is the founder of Superwoman Next Door. She is an UN Representative  of Manup Campaign, spread across 23 countries to involve men in the battle of Gender Equality. Upasana send me an impressive list of 14 organisations/projects she is involved with including many from the UN, but it would be a too long (although impressive) list to share on this blogpage. If you want to read it for yourself, click here: http://www.womenshealthsection.com/content/documents/Upasana_Chauhan_Resume.pdf

Upasana’s dream and passion is to encourage and empower every girl next door to be courageous to DARE TO DREAM and be her own superwoman to get those dreams. She is on the drafting committee for the Newyork City for CEDAW bill.

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 011 with Upasana Chauhan please click here: PAVE podcast with Upasana Chauhan on Itunes

About your host: 

Alianne Looijenga is an international speaker motivating organizations to effectively help survivors of partner abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse. She is also the founder of aliannelooijenga.com and the Professionals against violence (PAVE) podcast.   Alianne is a survivor of sexual abuse (including rape); partner abuse; and is the mother of twins who were abused by their biological father after a judge granted him visitation rights when the children were three years old.

Alianne is dedicated to the empowerment of survivors of abuse and to support organisations working to end the violence against women and children.

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

1:24 : Growing up in India

2:50 Paving your own path and paving the path for others 

3:15 NGO “I do dare”, ManUp campaign of the UN, Upasana’s career so far. 

7:00 Is there a change within the men of India, about how they view women? 

7:30 How men teach other men about women’s rights

8:00 Losing your identity as a woman when you marry in India

10:00 What Upasana discovered when she was looking for an arranged marriage

12:00 Passing values on to your children

14:50 What drives Upasana

21:00 When women are objects and have no rights

24:00 How do you re-energize when you fight so hard for other women’s rights?

32:00 Why people believe that they are entitled to judge another human being

33:00 Rediscovering your identity

35:00 Female suicides in India 

I can do anything for them, but I can’t go to their homes with them. Because that is a battle that each one has to fight for themselves.

I had to fight the battle myself inside my own home first. Then only I can fight it globally. You have to first fight it for yourself.

40:00 The importance of financial independence

Take that fear out of your body. Throw the fear out. Fear controls you. You get scared what happens if I do this, or what happens if I do that.

44:00 Upasana’s advice if you want to change other people’s lives

46:00 Why your work should not be about you

48:00 When you respond with kindness and love to people who put you down, you include them into your journey

51:00 How we can support Upasana by sharing stories about women who live next door to us.

“Alianne is equally Oprah Winfrey as Oprah Winfrey is Alianne.

You are your own superwoman in your own way doing your own amazing thing. So is Oprah. The only difference is that the whole world knows Oprah, and your neighbor knows Alianne. But is Alianne any less than Oprah? No. And that’s why I started SuperWoman Next Door.” – Upasana Chauhan 

59:00 Initial ending: yeah kidding, we talked further

1:03:00 Get out of that thing that holds you down

Be your own superwoman. Don’t wait for someone to save you. Nobody will come and save you. You will have to save yourself. There is no prince charming. And even if there is, he can come and join you while you save yourself. But you don’t have to sit and wait around. You have to take control.

1:08:00 Being grateful in difficult times, ending. 

TWEETABLES:

MORE ABOUT UPASANA AND SUPERWOMAN NEXT DOOR

https://twitter.com/upasanac?lang=en

https://www.facebook.com/superwomannextdoor/

Superwoman Next Door website

To submit stories to Upasana:

superwomannextdoor@gmail.com

MORE ABOUT PAVE

https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga

Www.aliannelooijenga.com

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 011 with Upasana Chauhan please click here: PAVE podcast with Upasana Chauhan on Itunes

 

Abuse, Activism, Gender Equality, PAVE Podcast, Podcast, UN women, Women's rights

PAVE 010: Surviving Child Abuse, Learning to love yourself and Leading by Example with Lisa Cybaniak

Lisa Cybaniak is a survivor of 10 years of physical, psychological and sexual child abuse, by her ex step-father. She is a Success Coach, Motivational Speaker, and Blogger, helping shed the stigma of being abused. She is the founder of Lifelikeyoumeanit.com, dedicated to helping survivors of abuse find their purpose, in order to build the life they deserve.

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 010 with Lisa Cybaniak please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-010-surviving-child-abuse-learning-to-love-yourself/id1203285774?i=1000410384511&mt=2

About your host: 

Alianne Looijenga is an international speaker motivating organizations to effectively help survivors of partner abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse. She is also the founder of aliannelooijenga.com and the Professionals against violence (PAVE) podcast.   Alianne is a survivor of sexual abuse (including rape); partner abuse; and is the mother of twins who were abused by their biological father after a judge granted him visitation rights when the children were three years old.

Alianne is dedicated to the empowerment of survivors of abuse and to support organisations working to end the violence against women and children.

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

1.28 min. Lisa tells about being abused by her ex-stepfather from the age of 2 – 12. It started with physical abuse which was followed by emotional and sexual abuse.

3:50 Why Lisa refused help, felt shame and thought she was to blame for the abuse.

6:00 How Lisa broke the cycle of putting herself down

7:43 The moment that Lisa realised that her thoughts made her life miserable and how books and numerology changed her life.

10:43 Are the skills we required to survive abuse a burden or beneficial in present day?

13:43 What the most difficult decision was that Lisa had to make during her recovery process.

16:50 The importance of being open and honest about your past in relationships. How to honor yourself.

17:43 Coming out as an survivor

18:43 Telling our partners about the abuse

20:43 Breaking the stigma of abuse

22:43 Desired outcome of Lisa’s work

27:00 Leading by example

28:00 Books that inspired Lisa finding her path in life

29:00 The quote that inspires Lisa: “She needed a hero so that is what she became”.

MORE ABOUT LISA AND LIFE LIKE YOU MEAN IT

MORE ABOUT LISA

http://www.lifelikeyoumeanit.com/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/lifelikeyoumeanit/

MORE ABOUT PAVE

https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 010 with Lisa Cybaniak please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-010-surviving-child-abuse-learning-to-love-yourself/id1203285774?i=1000410384511&mt=2

PAVE Podcast

Emotional abuse or Physical abuse, what is worse?

Emotional Abuse Physical Abuse

People ask me regularly whether emotional or physical abuse is worse. As someone who is abused sexually, emotionally, physically and financially I ought to have an opinion about this. From what I see, most people believe that physical abuse is the worst. Maybe because it is so visible? The pain easier to understand?

Physical abuse

I believe that physical abuse contains aspects of emotional abuse, because the emotional and psychological effects of abuse are also present in this type of abuse.  I remember the first time my ex choked me. That’s an emotional experience that never goes away. True, the bruises faded. My body healed on it’s own. But it took a long time before I healed the emotions coming from that physical experience. Even now, I don’t like it when a scarf touches my neck very tightly. I don’t wear turtlenecks and if I do it is often to challenge myself because I don’t want to connect my past experiences with the feeling of having something around my neck. I want to be free of that burden and don’t give in to negative associations my mind has made from that experience.

Emotional abuse

The thing with emotional abuse is this: it is harder to recognise and to comprehend especially because it is so vindictive, often hidden and not very obvious. It is harder to understand and to recover from it.  Healing emotions, in particular in situations of child and partnerabuse is very difficult. The effect abuse has in your life, both short and long term is enormous. The path to healing is a difficult rocky one that needs constant awareness.

Healing process

If you look strictly; with physical abuse it is your body and the body does the job itself (NOTE: if someone is not abused to the extent that he or she has broken something or in pain for the rest of his/her life of course).

With emotional abuse YOU are the one who has to work. Most likely there are patterns of emotional abuse that have existed for a long time, maybe a feeling of dependence, lack of self-confidence and you might have given control to the other person for so long that you don’t know who you are and what you want anymore or now afraid of making choices. Maybe you don’t dare to say no to the other person and always give in by doing what the other person expects you to do and you probably don’t know why exactly. It is probably hard to accept that you are the victim of abuse and to understand how and in what kinds of ways you have been abused. Next to that you might have to deal with the controlling and manipulating behaviour of an ex-partner or parent that can linger on for years after breaking up the relationship making it hard to create new healthy patterns.

Physical abuse contains aspects of emotional abuse. Physical and emotional abuse can be equally difficult to heal. The difficulty of healing depends on the type of abusive situations and the thoughts you created around that experience.

How do you interpretate the abuse?

I believe that both emotional and physical abuse have in common that emotional abuse is involved. And where emotional abuse is involved there is work to be done to recover from it. Change won’t happen automatically. Although I am known for my opinions I cannot say what is worse; emotional or physical abuse. Because that depends from one person to another.

The way you interpretate your experience with abuse will determine how you feel, not the experience itself.

None of these two options can be a “winner”. Both are hard to recover from. There is no price to be given. There is only compassion from your fellow survivor who has felt a lot of emotions like you do.

Abuse, Mindset, Personal

International Women’s day

International women’s day

Here is to women. The one that got up this morning. The one that faces inequality, fear and desperation. The one that is smashing ceilings and breaking the silence. The one with the heavy load to bear but who still manages to smile to her loved ones. The one that shows courage because she believes in her cause although she is uncertain of the outcome. The one that stands up for other beings. The one that chooses kindness over bitterness. The one that chooses to put her ego aside for the greater good. The one that takes care of others. To the woman battling poverty. To the one who creates a future for herself. The one that decides how she wants to respond to things instead of letting other peoples behaviour influencing her respons. To the women who support each other. The one that, despite everything, just tries one more time – and knows that if this fails, she will try yet another time.

To Mandy, Kerry, Lisa, Olivia, Monica, Sabin, Kirthi and Jessica.

To women.

You. Are. Phenomenal.

Pictures from: https://www.boredpanda.com/inspirational-quotes-womens-day/

Activism, Feminism, Gender Equality

How to become confident in a matter of seconds

Confident

Becoming confident

(This is a blog I wrote earlier for the blog LifeSurfer.net)

One of the most common things that people tell me after they have heard me speak about violence is: “Alianne, you are really confident.. It is a shame that I could never be like that!”

But the thing is, they don’t see my vulnerable moments, or how I handle them. Seconds of closing my speech during the WAVE conference (women against violence Europe), I felt fear was creeping in. In my post adrenaline glow I thought I could have spoken better English, that I could have done better in general. Maybe I had messed things up. Maybe the other professionals would think my speech was silly.

A few more seconds later (without exaggeration) my hand was kissed, I saw the tears in the eyes of the professionals who work to end the violence against women, people exclaimed how glad they were that they had come to listen and to have met me, told me how brave I was, professionals were telling me that they wanted to hire me. etc. (I still need to get used to all the love in life, but I love it, it is so empowering!)

Don’t settle for the way you are handling things right now

But there is this thing that nobody saw and that is what happened between those two moments. What I have trained myself over the years and the thing that separates me from most people is that I correct myself pretty quickly. A personality is largely made by ourselves and our thoughts about ourselves. We can choose to be confident and strong. We can learn to master our thoughts. We can choose and work towards being free.

Do the work

The reason that most people aren’t confident is that they are either to afraid to step up for what they want to become, the thoughts in their head seem to strong, they are afraid to do the work (or what they will have to face about themselves) or they don’t know how to start.

Be your own cheerleader

But how did I transform from insecure to confident in just a matter of seconds during the WAVE conference? I just interrupted my thinking. Whenever I feel that I am attacking myself, or approach myself from a place of scarcity I will stop myself from doing that immediately. I want other thoughts and believes for myself. I want to support and grow myself, not belittle me. (You can learn how to do that over here: http://www.aliannelooijenga.com/19-ways-to-become-a-confident-woman/)

I knew where my insecure thoughts were coming from and I chose not to accept the way I was thinking about myself. I knew that my negative thoughts were a lie and I decided not to dwell on depressing emotions.

Yes I am confident. But I don’t have a magic wand that gave me this “skill”. Sexual abuse, partner abuse, financial abuse, abuse supported by the government and institutions break down your feeling of safety and your self worth.

I had to work damn hard to find myself and lift me up to some higher plan with a vision and goal for myself. I had to work damn hard to remove the voices in my head that said I couldn’t do something or that I wasn’t good enough of a person. I had to work damn hard to get rid of the feeling of constant uncertainty and loss of direction in life.

But I just didn’t settle for the status quo. Working hard, every day, gets you where you want to end up.

That’s the key for everything in life. Working hard and empowering yourself in order to support others in life.

Mindset, Personal, Speaking