Browsing Category

Abuse

Break the silence: How to tell others that you were abused

Break the silence: How to tell others that you were abused

How do you tell your family and (new) friends that you’re a survivor of domestic violence and/or sexual abuse?

Some will say that you just have to “just say it” and others will say you have to plan carefully.

The problem with the first suggestion is being too impulsive, and the problem with the latter is that by planning too much, overthinking too much, you likely will procrastinate and/or create unnecessary worries and anxieties.

I have heard a lot of people say they just want a successful outcome.

But what is a successful outcome? Is there even a successful outcome?

Second: you can never control the “outcome” or the reactions of the person to whom you are telling your story. Nor should you want to, because it is in the reaction of the other person that you can see the value of your relationship with them. It is not your job to be busy thinking about what the other thinks and does. It should be your goal to think about how revealing your secret will benefit you. Telling someone you are a survivor is something you do for yourself.

Although I never hid my story of sexual abuse from my mother, I didn’t tell my story to the rest of my family until I was 26. At first, I was silent to protect my beloved grandfather; after that it was to protect my aunt who was married to the abuser; and as a child, it because I was afraid of the stories of child protective services. And because my uncle threatened, “What would happen to your poor mom” if he wasn’t there to help my mom out with things around the house.

With the help of my friend, I’ve written a looooong document where I told all of my uncles, aunts, and adult nephews and nieces what happened.

I sent the letter and my family went silent. Well… At least until my uncle the abuser responded to prosecute me for defamation. Thereafter I decided to file charges against him for sexual abuse because I discovered the statutory limitations on abuse hadn’t expired yet.

After a little while, my older nephew called me. He told me he was the only one in the whole family who didn’t know that this had happened despite the knowledge of his father (my uncle) and his mother (my aunt).  I had told what happened to someone close to me and that person had told my aunt and my grandmother, and apparently, everyone knew in my family knew after that.

The whole family knew the whole time! I had a really big family. And nobody did anything or talked to me about it!

My nephew concluded the phone call that he would await the judge’s ruling in the case of defamation.

The judge’s ruling was in my favor. Except for the brief phone call from my nephew and the prosecution for defamation, I never heard from my family again.

This experience showed me that there is a difference between family by blood and your chosen family by heart. I am truly more happy to have people in my life who truly love me for who I am and who stand up for me and stick with me when the going gets tough no matter what than the forced family who did nothing to show they cared.

So, back to the second question: what is a successful outcome?

I think it’s about the enormous weight falling from your shoulders. There is no dirty secret anymore. The meaning you give to this abuse becomes less heavy; you essentially free yourself. It opens the doors to accept yourself for who you are, to acknowledge that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and to fully express yourself.

Back to the original question: How do you tell your family and (new) friends that you’re a survivor of domestic violence and/or sexual abuse?

It is important to not “overthink,” you cannot possibly know what the other person is thinking, so stop wasting your time doing so.

Ask yourself: What is your reason for telling?

  • Is your goal to explain your past to another, or maybe your behaviors?
  • To tell someone else why you have certain fears or why you are struggling with depression, suspiciousness or certain sexual issues?
  • Maybe you seek validation and moral support? To let it all out and to heal this wound in your heart caused by the secret’s damaging characteristics?
  • Do you want to protect other (future) victims?

Before you enter the conversation, think things through:

  • How do I explain why I didn’t tell someone sooner (some people most likely wanted to reach out to you sooner)?
  • How do I want to tell (via a written letter, meeting somewhere or maybe both)?
  • When do I want to tell it; it is best to schedule a moment when you both have time for this type of conversation.

As you sit down with the person you feel most comfortable with, someone you trust and who is most likely to believe you, you may still feel nervous. Tell the other person you feel nervous and that you need support from that person after you have told them your story (that gives the listener an idea how he/she should react since your story can come as a complete shock and that person doesn’t know how he/she is allowed to comfort you).

You have to prepare yourself for possible letdowns, too. Sometimes people will have trouble believing you. Remember how difficult it was to accept what happened to you. It’s a good thing to have compassion for the recipient of your story. Others might need time to accept it, too.

At first, it may seem easier to hide from others what you’ve been through. But the secret will grow until you become sick, and it bursts. Whenever you are ready to let this secret go, do it on your own timing, with the people you trust the most. And if you tell others, you can take the people you trust most with you to support you when you tell your story to others.

Some notes:

  • Writing a letter can be a good alternative to a face-to-face meeting if you think that you might be interrupted when you are telling your story. A letter can also help to serve as a guide when you tell your story. It also helps when you have trouble with expressing yourself under pressure.
  • Advice from a therapist can really help before you drop the bomb. He or she can discuss your goals with you, the probable outcomes the conversation can have, and can practice the conversation with you.
  • It is important to know that telling is hard but keeping something like this secret, will damage you deeply, and thereby infect those around you.
  • You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not alone. 1 out of 3 women are victims of abuse. You have the right to be true to yourself and to tell your story.
  • There is no good or bad way to tell your story.
  • This too shall pass.
  • Most importantly: we need more people to show the world who they really are.

The first time is the heaviest. After this, you gain confidence and it becomes easier every time. Maybe you want to tell others after this, or maybe you don’t. For some, it helps to talk about it more often, while others may not be ready yet to deal with the strong emotions they experience when they talk about the abuse and trauma. It’s okay. It’s important that you break the silence and accept that this is a part of your life. It has shaped you into the person you are now. It’s time to let go of shame. It’s time to break with the victim inside of you. It’s time for you to move on and to start living.

Abuse, Family, Family by blood, Mindset, Personal

How to talk with your children about abuse

How to talk with your children about abuse

One of the hardest things you do after a relationship with an abuser has ended, is talking with your children about their abusive father or mother. Sometimes it can feel if you have to weigh each and every word on a scale and if you are tiptoeing on a very thin string.

Perhaps you’re wondering whether you should bring up the topic when your child doesn’t mention it, how you can talk about what your ex-partner did to you, and what you should actually do with your own emotions. Below you can find a couple of tips. Choose the ones that feel right for you.

Set some ground rules with yourself

Just like there is an age restriction on tonnes of films, it should also exist in your imagination during conversations with your child. Your child is mentally not ready to hear all the horrible details of what their father did to you. You then push all kinds of adult emotions into a tiny body, and your child doesn’t have the mental capacity, nor the ability to handle it. Keep adult topics far away from your child’s ears. In my house I have the strict rule; subject A (which I never mention out loud) is only discussed at night when the children are asleep, and preferably when the children are staying elsewhere. My children don’t have to know that I was sexually abused for ten years and that that is the reason why my mother doesn’t cycle in the abuser’s street. They don’t have to know they were born early because I was abused by their progenitor. They have their own history with him, their own trauma, and that is bad enough. Apart from that, I just want to let them be children.

Find (independent) help

Many children have difficulties to talk about their emotions, so when you notice that in your own child, it is time to get help. Find an independent child psychologist to talk with your child.

Let them talk

When my children want to talk about it, I do this without judgement. I let them tell their story. I don’t interrupt their conversation by, for example, talking about myself. I don’t give them my vision, but when possible I provide them with support to continue talking. Sharing is good, and it gives me an idea of how far they’ve come in their development and trauma processing.

Safety first

I have not allowed my children to go with their biological father after they had been abused by him (about which you can read more here: http://www.aliannelooijenga.com/infringing-the-rules-despite-the-consequences/. Despite penalties, threats of juridical hostage, and increasing the penalties, I always put my children’s safety first.

I once told my children they would never have to see him again, which I started to regret when youth care forced me to let them see each other again. I had given them my promise and couldn’t keep myself to it. Nevertheless, I will never let them be alone again, since that is too dangerous.

Be honest towards your children.

When my son told me I wasn’t clever for having chosen such a stupid father, I agreed with him. I am honest about what happened in the process (though, of course, I don’t bother burden them with unnecessary insecurity).

Indicate your boundaries.

You don’t want your child to lose themselves in all kinds of nasty fantasies. Let your child finish, but do indicate your boundaries.

My children know the abuse is not their fault. Children always have the tendency to blame themselves, which is something I have been vigilant for from the very beginning.

Pay attention to your child’s drawings.

My children used to make drawings in which the abuser was very tall and they were very small. They also made drawings in which they drew him as very ugly, after which they crumpled up the paper and threw it away. Later they would make drawings in which they were very tall. When I saw them drawing something like that, I always joined them to talk about it. I gave them space so they could use their drawings to tell me what they were thinking. Of course, I thought the drawings were horrible, but by not reacting emotionally and by giving them my time and attention, they felt safe to tell their story.

Don’t force conversations;

let it come from your child. Forcing when a child isn’t ready will only cause your child to withdraw even more.

Praise your children.

Show your child that you see and recognize and understand his/her feelings. Give compliments.  My children receive loads of compliments. About having dried the dishes well, that a shirt looks very nice, reminding them that they are strong etc. Together with them, I strengthen their self-image.

Watch your child.

Children pay an enormous amount of attention to the reaction of adults. Show your child that you believe (in) them and will be there for them and have their best interest at heart.

What if your child misses their father?

We have never been in that situation because at the moment when an affective bond should have developed (during the imposed moments of contact), that didn’t happen. But whatever your situation is; talk to your child about their emotions. Find the space in your heart to talk about the good moments that have happened, find neutral words (i.e. don’t say, “Well, and that moron of a dad of yours”, don’t play down the events and explain what you can.

Be patient.

Abuse is already hard to understand for an adult, but for a child it is completely unfathomable. Be patient if your child has put some walls in front of you or struggles with feelings of loyalty towards the abusive parent.

Discuss healthy boundaries.

Talk about how one should treat another. That it is never okay to physically, sexually or emotionally hurt another living being. And ofcourse, what your child should do and to whom your child should go when someone crosses those boundaries.

Empower your child

Humans have a tendency to tell themselves all kinds of negative things about why they are unworthy of something. And what you tell yourself, you will believe. So give your child some positive affirmations. Plant those little sentences in your child’s head. Rewire their brain and program empowerment in their brain. A few example of sentences you could use:

1.) I am loved

2.) I am strong

3.) I am worthy

4.) I am fierce

5.) I can acchieve anything

6.) I am save (but only if it is the right thing to say of course)

7.) I am powerful

8.) I have a beautiful soul

You can also listen to the video below or check out this website to find other affirmations for kids you can use. Remember to frequently tell your children the same affirmations so they will remember them.

145+ Powerfully Positive Affirmations for Kids

Love,

Alianne

Morning Motivation Starting off with positive affirmations can set a great tone for how your day unfolds. Learning this from an early age can be very beneficial in the esteem and confidence of a child. We are all Destined for Greatness!

Posted by The DFG Movement on Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Abuse, Family, Family by blood, Mindset, Personal, Speaking

PAVE PODCAST EPISODE 009; PEACE, RED ELEPHANT FOUNDATION, GENDER EQUALITY AND HOW TO INSPIRE PEOPLE INTO ACTION WITH KIRTHI JAYAKUMAR

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 009 with Kirthi Jayakumar please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against-violence-podcast/id1203285774?mt=2#episodeGuid=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.professionalsagainstviolence.com%2F%3Fp%3D932

Kirthi Jayakumar is an activist, artist and writer from Chennai, India. She founded and runs the Red Elephant Foundation, a civilian peacebuilding initiative that works for gender equality through storytelling, advocacy and digital interventions. She is a member of the Youth Working Group for Gender Equality. Kirthi is the recipient of the US Presidential Services Medal (2012) for her services as a volunteer to Delta Women NGO, and the two-time recipient of the UN Online Volunteer of the Year Award (2012, 2013).

Kirthi is also the recipient of the Global Peace Prize 2016, from WeSchool, and the Rising Star of India Award, 2016, from We The City India. Her second book, The Dove’s Lament, made it to the final shortlist for the Muse India Young Writers’ Literary Award. Kirthi was recently invited to the United State of Women Summit at the White House in Washington DC, as a nominated changemaker. She is also a Zen Doodler, and her works have been commissioned by corporate establishments, non-profits and art collectors world over.

About your host: 

Alianne Looijenga is an international speaker motivating organizations to effectively help survivors of partner abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse. She is also the founder of aliannelooijenga.com and the Professionals against violence (PAVE) podcast.   Alianne is a survivor of sexual abuse (including rape); partner abuse; and is the mother of twins who were abused by their biological father after a judge granted him visitation rights when the children were three years old.

Alianne is dedicated to the empowerment of survivors of abuse and to support organisations working to end the violence against women and children.

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

  • Kirthi suffered different kinds of abuse: sexual abuse, bullying, racism and ethnic violence. It made her empathy driven but it had a major impact. She chose silence over articulation of the things that happened to her with manifestations on her health as a result.
  • How Kirthi transformed because of the New Delhi rape and the wisdom of her mother:
  • You have two options: you can feel terrible about this, you can feel depressed, you can mourn about it, you can do whatever you want, fine. Or you can do this for some time and pick up your life. Whatever it is that you do, remember it is your choice and whatever you choose, I am with you.
  • Kirthi thought deeply for six months about all that happened, learned about alternative healing, read and thought a lot and after six months she gave her mom (on her birthday) the gift of Kirthi’s empowerment and founded the Red Elephant Foundation.
  • United state of Women (9:00 minutes)
  • The secret about how Kirthi can accomplish so much per day
  • Female infanticide (12:00 minutes)
  • Why Kirthi chose fiction to tell her stories to inspire people into action (13:00 minutes)
  • The writing proces of the writer of Dimashq (15.00 minutes)

– Syrian conflict

–  A different approach in thinking about war and conflict

Kirthi’s biggest dream (19:00 minutes)

Why peace is so important for Kirthi (21:00 minutes)

Alianne’s story regarding to health and trauma (35 minutes)

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 009 with Kirthi Jayakumar please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against-violence-podcast/id1203285774?mt=2#episodeGuid=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.professionalsagainstviolence.com%2F%3Fp%3D932

MORE ABOUT KIRTHI AND THE RED ELEPHANT FOUNDATION

MORE ABOUT KIRTHI 

http://www.redelephantfoundation.org/

https://www.instagram.com/femcyclopaedia/

https://www.instagram.com/kirthipotamus/

The Doodle Kirthi created for me (I am still humbled to be featured next to these women): https://www.instagram.com/p/BSzC5e8A-R9/?taken-by=femcyclopaedia

Kirthi’s books, including the Dove’s lament and the doodler of Dimashq: https://www.amazon.com/Kirthi-Jayakumar/e/B076V6GJBY

MORE ABOUT PAVE

https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 009 with Kirthi Jayakumar please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against-violence-podcast/id1203285774?mt=2#episodeGuid=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.professionalsagainstviolence.com%2F%3Fp%3D932

Abuse, Activism, Feminism, Gender Equality, Health, Interview, Mindset, Patriarchy, Personal, UN women

How to stop running back to abusive (boy/girl) friends

abusive friends

Let’s say you have a best friend and she is dating this guy. He is charming, funny, wants to spend a lot of time with her. You are very happy for your friend and you share all the things that women share when dating a cute guy :D. But after a while, you notice that she is canceling appointments with you. It’s getting harder to make an appointment with her because she is busy. She starts making sentences like: “my boyfriend doesn’t like it if…” “my boyfriend thinks I should” “my boyfriend doesn’t want me to…” She starts worrying if she is good enough for him. She tells you about his complaints about her, tells you about his long nights away. Perhaps even tells you about his anger issues. But as time progresses she shares less and less because you wouldn’t understand anyway, and on top of that you don’t understand their relationship well enough. At some point,  she comes to you and the truth comes out. He has hit her several times and she is afraid.

Question: Would you recommend for her to run back to her boyfriend?

No, of course you wouldn’t.

But if the situation were reversed, would you have returned to him? If so, why would you return to such a guy? Maybe because you feel you love him. Maybe because deep down you are afraid of being alone. You find leaving scarier than staying.

So we stay and try to justify our boyfriend’s behavior. And like a skill, we become experts at convincing ourselves why we should stay, why we HAVE to stay. Something I personally used as an excuse was: “he needs me, otherwise he’ll hurt himself.” I also told myself that if I just could be better, if I just would change this or that we would be fine. This was something he had told me all along and I just adopted it. I told myself that it wasn’t that bad, that all relationships go through rough patches, etc., etc., etc., etc.

Honesty

But I should have been honest with myself and if you ever find yourself in such a situation, I believe you should be honest with yourself too. Because all the things I told myself about why I should stay ultimately came down to this: I was afraid to leave because of my low self-esteem. Before the trauma bonding, before anything else it came down to low self-esteem and not loving myself enough. I could not believe that what I felt was really happening – because I didn’t trust myself enough, due to my low self-esteem. When I entered the relationship, I didn’t have a high self-esteem in the first place. Ten years of sexual abuse, the beginning of puberty and typical adolescent uncertainty does that to someone. The fear kicks in after the first hit, but the foundation of emotional dependence was already there.

But if I truly loved and trusted myself the way I should have, I would have left and I think that is something that most of us will recognize. Loving the other more and valuing ourselves less is the first cause to make us to stay. A few things that can happen while this is happening.

Leaving is scary (and can be dangerous). The future is uncertain. Starting over again is scary. You are left vulnerable. So you just ignore that gut feeling that tells you that you should leave. By staying you and I didn’t asked to be hurt, but by staying we did create the possibility for him to do so and thus allowed him to go on.

The crazy making cycle

In an abusive relationship, you can’t communicate your needs without being punished for it and if you could, your needs probably wouldn’t been met. This is because you are in a toxic relationship.

Suddenly you realize the dangerous situation you are in and you are afraid to leave. This time it is not because of being hurt but because the situation is now so dire. He is now so out of control, you are afraid of losing you and possibly your loved ones lives.

And then ultimately you leave. You probably feel a lot of self-blame after a while. Maybe you feel stupid for being in that relationship for far too long, for losing friends and family, for hurting or not listening to them. Because of this, your self-worth probably continues to go down. Maybe you feel alone, scared. You start a mental loop full of thoughts. Maybe he wasn’t that bad. Maybe it was you; maybe you can do better. Maybe you even deserved to be treated that way. All these things start playing in your heard on repetitive cycles.

Until you either end up in a relationship equal to this one with even less self-worth and self-esteem or run back to your ex.

But how do we break this cycle?

Build you self-worth

Understand anxiety

  • We must understand our anxiety and how to deal with it when we feel it coming. What do you do to calm yourself? Do you call a friend, does ASMR help you (like one of the videos perhaps? https://www.youtube.com/user/StevePickles94/videos ) or do you have other healthy techniques that helped you in the past to calm down? Whatever you choose, remember to do breathing techniques to calm yourself. You can’t make healthy choices if your mind is running around, so calm your mind first. Breath slowly in and out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJ04nsiz_M0

Pay attention and learn to trust your gut

  • Pay attention to your instincts in your relationship. When you feel that something is off fundamentally, it probably is. But sometimes we don’t trust ourselves enough to trust our instincts. For example, because you fell in love with an abuser before. Well, let me help you out: the problem wasn’t so much in the first place that you fell in love with an abuser. The problem was that you didn’t act upon your instincts when you felt and knew something wasn’t right.  It isn’t enough to have those gut feelings. Everybody has them but if when the signs aren’t clear because of our low self-esteem or past experiences we don’t trust our instincts, we ignore it, and we do not act on what it is telling us and continue to act against it. We confuse ourselves and ultimately can’t feel the signs anymore. But luckily we can prevent, reverse, and strengthen this “skill” by paying attention to our gut. Let it be an comforting thought: you have the power to choose who you spend your time with. And if someone isn’t treating you right, you have the power to walk way.

What is your source?

  • Now we are paying attention to our gut, it is time to understand what our intuition is telling us. Sometimes we are so consumed by fear, anxiety, and doubt that it is difficult to know what is what. So first of all we must define our feelings. What is the source of these feelings? Is it truly your intuition or is it fear? I think this is a great article to help you start with that: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rosalie-puiman/your-gut-feeling-fear-or-_b_6667194.html

Set standards and be clear

  • Now we learn the difference between actual fear vs. our instincts acting up. It is time to listen and act upon our instincts. If someone is crossing our boundaries, then it is time to communicate that with them. If that doesn’t help and somebody crosses them over and over again, then you have to decide if this situation is healthy and what you want to do with that situation. Remember, as we grow, our perspective, our attitudes, and our needs change anyway (crossing boundaries or not).

Dare to let people and thoughts go

  • Other people who are going through their own growth process don’t necessary grow with us; it can happen with people who are close to you. It doesn’t always mean that you’ll have to say goodbye (this is only possible for non-abusive relationships of course), but if something has a negative impact on your life, it is best to let it go and find positivity and closure to learn from that situation.

Find help and support

Move your body

  • Do a crazy dance. Seriously. If you find that your mind is spinning, spinning, and spinning and you want to snap yourself out of that loophole, do a crazy dance. What not to do: hanging out on the couch listening to sad music that will allow your mind to go through that loophole again. If you feel that your mind starts again and you want to step out of that loophole do some kind of activity like running, dancing etc.

Level up

  • Level up. New things in life are scary. Uncertainty is scary. Life is scary because nothing is certain. But you have one person you can learn to trust your detour and that is yourself. The amazing Yourself is someone who will always be with you and the best thing is that you can control how she reacts to circumstances. You are in the powerseat of your life and you and only you are responsible for the choices you make.

Other must reads: http://tinybuddha.com/quotes/tiny-wisdom-when-its-time-to-move-on/ by Lori Deschene

 

Abuse, Mindset, Personal

How I survived one of my most darkest moments in life (and it was not being raped)

(I wrote this blog a few years ago for lifesurfer.net)

A few nights ago I remembered one of the darkest and difficult moments I ever faced…

It is not the moment I was raped, nor the loneliness of feeling scared and vulnerable. Not the days I was almost killed. Not the moments that the prosecutor decided not to give punishment to my ex-partner, and not the moment when they didn’t prosecute my uncle of sexual abuse. Not the night I discovered that my ex-partner had the right to let me be put in jail for protecting my children and not giving them to him for visits for as long he didn’t seek hel

No, one of my darkest moments was the moment I was sitting in front of the judge.

At the time, I was thriving as a university student and my children and I hadn’t heard from my ex-partner in years. This I considered as a good thing because of the damage he had done and because the child protection services opinion was that it was best for him to stay away.
A part of my study program consisted of spending five months abroad. To travel with Dutch children you need the permission of either the biological father of the children or a judge.

I made use of a contact person to ask the permission of the biological father of the children to go abroad for five months. Of course, he declined. I suspected he would, although he never asked after the children to see how they were doing although he couldn’t see them.
I suspected that because of me asking, he would feel in charge, he would feel in control. After he declined, I went to court to ask the judge for permission, and in the same courtroom, he cried out that he missed the children, that it was all my fault he didn’t see them, I was a liar, etc.

Before entering the courtroom my lawyer turned to me, completely pale. Oh no, she cried… not this judge. And, when finding out who was to be the spokeswoman of the child protection services, I saw devastation in her eyes. I was calm and thought that with enough reason it would become completely clear that we needed to go to the USA to complete my study program and that a biological father who abused his children, never even once inquired after the children, and the social services who thought it was best for us that he would leave the children and me alone, would make her mind up pretty quickly.

What followed left me dumbfounded. My lawyer started shaking after the judge chewed me and her out and the judge did not let me speak, was downright nasty to me, and then threatened me that if my ex-partner didn’t see my children, they would have to live with him, even though his story wasn’t met with evidence and often he made comments that a judge who was listening would have heard that it was all about controlling ME and had nothing to do with love for the children. I did not know that a judge could and had permission to behave this way.

After a while, I started trembling. I left the courtroom devastated and went into depression for a few months. I felt betrayed and vulnerable and somewhat a victim after being a victim because the government had failed to protect me… again

That year I learned quite a lot. I learned to gain mastery over my feelings. I had seen the lowest point, and one of my biggest fears had come true. I only could go up from there. I decided that whatever happened, nobody could own my thoughts. I was the master of my feelings and I would never give someone the power over my feelings and let me feel miserable again. Yes, they could decide pretty nasty things for me, but how I would react to that, how it would made me feel, and the decisions I would make because of that… those were surely and alone my responsibility. I knew that moments would pass, and the decisions I would make in each and every moment would shape my destiny.

Months later, I returned to the courtroom. I walked in and recognized the judge of whom I was previously so fearful. I looked up to the heaven and said; “of course”, and winked towards the ceiling (I really did!). I knew it was my test to see how I would react to seeing her again. I felt powerful and I believe God gave me strength and this combined with my gained strengths.

The judge still wasn’t very fond of me. But it didn’t matter to me anymore. I smiled, answered her questions, and even gave her a tiny taste of her own medicine and confronted her with something she’d said.

I wasn’t driven by fear because I was driven by the knowledge that regardless of what happened, I would survive and I would make sure that my children and I were safe. I would see the big picture and realize that one moment did not define the millions of other moments I would still live. Never ever would I give the power to control my happiness and my future to anyone else again and certainly not some mystical creature who did not know who I was or what I stood for. I would no longer give power to the decisions of others; instead, I would focus on what I can control, which is…. myself.

 

Abuse, Family, Mindset, Speaking, UN women, Women's rights

PAVE podcast episode 003: Jessica Eaton; researcher victim blaming, founder first UK male mental health centre

Jessica Eaton is an engaging, passionate speaker, lecturer, researcher and writer in the fields of sexual violence and mental health. With a career history in the management of victim and witness services in the criminal justice system, training and managing rape counseling services, setting up the first male mental health centre in the UK and training police, social workers, health staff, councilors, psychologists and local authority staff in child sexual abuse and safeguarding.

For listeners with an Apple product with the “podcast” app please visit: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against/id1203285774?l=en

Jessica Eaton

Topics discussed and organisations/events mentioned in this episode:

  • Who inspired Jessica to found the first UK male mental health centre.
  • Why she focuses on victim blaming.
  • Her research on victim blaming about the public view who is the blame for sexual violence.
  • Jessica’s new book
  • How she uses social media to have conversations, discussions and debates with people with different views and backgrounds like a pedophile about how he controls his thoughts and feelings about abusing children.

More about Jessica Eaton

More about PAVE

Twitter.com/pave_podcast

Sponsors

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to collaborate with us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

Abuse, Activism, Interview, PAVE Podcast

19 ways to become a confident woman

confident

I always enjoy seeing a confident woman. Not only because the power in me acknowledges the power within her but also because it is likely that she had to work hard for her confidence.

It’s sadly still very common in our society for women to be taught to be passive, and to give, give, give and ask for nothing in return. To give the best cookie on the plate to others so she is left with the crumbs.

This is especially true when we are abused. We are told we are nothing, we question our own intuition, our decision-making, but most of all, we question ourselves and shrink to the point that our self-worth, standards, and goals in life depend on the opinions of others. We forget that to take care of others we have to take care of ourselves first. A confident women isn’t afraid to speak her mind because she knows she has a message to share with the world. She will never talk negativity about herself because she knows that she is the only one that sticks with her, in good times and in bad until the end of her days. She learns how to become her own best friend.

So how do people become confident? What are their traits? What do they do?

Below I will share with you what I believe are the traits of confident women, what my believes are that made me confident and what you can do to become a confident woman yourself.

Read More »

Abuse, Love, Mindset, Personal

But what if the abuser says: “I’m sorry”

(This blog was originally written by me for LifeSurfer)

But what if he says “sorry”?

Be honest. How many times did you stay because your ex-partner said he was sorry? He might even have cried tears, threatened to kill himself because he finds himself a low excuse of a man. Maybe his friends and family told you that you should forgive him. Maybe you felt guilty or blamed yourself for holding a grudge towards your ex-partner or maybe you even felt guilty for standing up against his abusiveness. Or did you accept the excuses and the dramatic behavior he made for himself to rationalize and justify for himself why he abused you, whether he blames his upbringing, his exes, your “faults”, or the stressful job and or life he has.

Does he feel sorry?

Let’s be clear. A man (or woman for that matter) should never be using past or other experiences as an excuse to get away with hurting someone else.

That does not mean that an abuser doesn’t feel sorry at all. He can feel sorry, albeit probably most for himself ;-), he can also use his apologies to gain sympathy with you and if he doesn’t succeed, to gain sympathy and acknowledgement from others.

Feeling sorry for him after abusive behavior

You probably did what I did after a dramatic apology. Before you know it you are comforting him, reassuring that you will never leave and that the two of you are a team and that you’ll get through this together.

You might notice, as did I, that the longer you stay in that relationship, the less dramatic and frequent his dramatic excuses are. In my opinion this is because he knows that you won’t leave him or will return as soon as he want’s you to. You are like a puppet and he is the one in control (in his opinion) and winning you back feels like a drug and makes him feel right that it wasn’t that bad and that he is the one in control over you.

Does it matter?

But let me ask you this first. Does it really matter if he really is sorry? Because it doesn’t mean a thing when in the nearby future he will abuse you again, and again. It doesn’t mean a thing if he is not willing to solve his inner frustrations a different way. It doesn’t matter if he is genuine in his remorse if it doesn’t mean enough for him to change and view you differently, and to stop hurting you physically, emotionally, financially. And it doesn’t mean a thing if he demolishes your self-worth, your self-love and if he isn’t building you up, but tearing you down! You must remember that whatever happens, you are worth so much more than that.

Change is inevitable

We are all able to change, because change is inevitable. Change happens when you have enough reason to do so.

If we are motivated to change but have difficulty doing so (but we want it bad enough), we seek help. We don’t have to be persuaded to seek help, if the drive in us is strong enough and we just do so because we can’t live with ourselves if we don’t. It is either that or we leave the situation.

At that moment we associate pain by not changing to the person we really want to be. When something is a MUST and not merely a “I should be or should do”, we change.

It could be possible that you are going to meet someone like your ex-partner but maybe in a different form in the future. Remember that it is the actions and not the words that we should trust. Remember your worth, remember that you have the right to be respected, to be loved and to be treated with dignity.

Just listen to this guy 😉

https://www.facebook.com/viralthread/videos/576993502490351/?pnref=story

Abuse, Mindset