PAVE 010: Surviving Child Abuse, Learning to love yourself and Leading by Example with Lisa Cybaniak

Lisa Cybaniak is a survivor of 10 years of physical, psychological and sexual child abuse, by her ex step-father. She is a Success Coach, Motivational Speaker, and Blogger, helping shed the stigma of being abused. She is the founder of Lifelikeyoumeanit.com, dedicated to helping survivors of abuse find their purpose, in order to build the life they deserve.

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 010 with Lisa Cybaniak please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-010-surviving-child-abuse-learning-to-love-yourself/id1203285774?i=1000410384511&mt=2

About your host: 

Alianne Looijenga is an international speaker motivating organizations to effectively help survivors of partner abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse. She is also the founder of aliannelooijenga.com and the Professionals against violence (PAVE) podcast.   Alianne is a survivor of sexual abuse (including rape); partner abuse; and is the mother of twins who were abused by their biological father after a judge granted him visitation rights when the children were three years old.

Alianne is dedicated to the empowerment of survivors of abuse and to support organisations working to end the violence against women and children.

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

1.28 min. Lisa tells about being abused by her ex-stepfather from the age of 2 – 12. It started with physical abuse which was followed by emotional and sexual abuse.

3:50 Why Lisa refused help, felt shame and thought she was to blame for the abuse.

6:00 How Lisa broke the cycle of putting herself down

7:43 The moment that Lisa realised that her thoughts made her life miserable and how books and numerology changed her life.

10:43 Are the skills we required to survive abuse a burden or beneficial in present day?

13:43 What the most difficult decision was that Lisa had to make during her recovery process.

16:50 The importance of being open and honest about your past in relationships. How to honor yourself.

17:43 Coming out as an survivor

18:43 Telling our partners about the abuse

20:43 Breaking the stigma of abuse

22:43 Desired outcome of Lisa’s work

27:00 Leading by example

28:00 Books that inspired Lisa finding her path in life

29:00 The quote that inspires Lisa: “She needed a hero so that is what she became”.

MORE ABOUT LISA AND LIFE LIKE YOU MEAN IT

MORE ABOUT LISA

http://www.lifelikeyoumeanit.com/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/lifelikeyoumeanit/

MORE ABOUT PAVE

https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 010 with Lisa Cybaniak please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-010-surviving-child-abuse-learning-to-love-yourself/id1203285774?i=1000410384511&mt=2

PAVE Podcast

Emotional abuse or Physical abuse, what is worse?

Emotional Abuse Physical Abuse

People ask me regularly whether emotional or physical abuse is worse. As someone who is abused sexually, emotionally, physically and financially I ought to have an opinion about this. From what I see, most people believe that physical abuse is the worst. Maybe because it is so visible? The pain easier to understand?

Physical abuse

I believe that physical abuse contains aspects of emotional abuse, because the emotional and psychological effects of abuse are also present in this type of abuse.  I remember the first time my ex choked me. That’s an emotional experience that never goes away. True, the bruises faded. My body healed on it’s own. But it took a long time before I healed the emotions coming from that physical experience. Even now, I don’t like it when a scarf touches my neck very tightly. I don’t wear turtlenecks and if I do it is often to challenge myself because I don’t want to connect my past experiences with the feeling of having something around my neck. I want to be free of that burden and don’t give in to negative associations my mind has made from that experience.

Emotional abuse

The thing with emotional abuse is this: it is harder to recognise and to comprehend especially because it is so vindictive, often hidden and not very obvious. It is harder to understand and to recover from it.  Healing emotions, in particular in situations of child and partnerabuse is very difficult. The effect abuse has in your life, both short and long term is enormous. The path to healing is a difficult rocky one that needs constant awareness.

Healing process

If you look strictly; with physical abuse it is your body and the body does the job itself (NOTE: if someone is not abused to the extent that he or she has broken something or in pain for the rest of his/her life of course).

With emotional abuse YOU are the one who has to work. Most likely there are patterns of emotional abuse that have existed for a long time, maybe a feeling of dependence, lack of self-confidence and you might have given control to the other person for so long that you don’t know who you are and what you want anymore or now afraid of making choices. Maybe you don’t dare to say no to the other person and always give in by doing what the other person expects you to do and you probably don’t know why exactly. It is probably hard to accept that you are the victim of abuse and to understand how and in what kinds of ways you have been abused. Next to that you might have to deal with the controlling and manipulating behaviour of an ex-partner or parent that can linger on for years after breaking up the relationship making it hard to create new healthy patterns.

Physical abuse contains aspects of emotional abuse. Physical and emotional abuse can be equally difficult to heal. The difficulty of healing depends on the type of abusive situations and the thoughts you created around that experience.

How do you interpretate the abuse?

I believe that both emotional and physical abuse have in common that emotional abuse is involved. And where emotional abuse is involved there is work to be done to recover from it. Change won’t happen automatically. Although I am known for my opinions I cannot say what is worse; emotional or physical abuse. Because that depends from one person to another.

The way you interpretate your experience with abuse will determine how you feel, not the experience itself.

None of these two options can be a “winner”. Both are hard to recover from. There is no price to be given. There is only compassion from your fellow survivor who has felt a lot of emotions like you do.

Abuse, Mindset, Personal

International Women’s day

International women’s day

Here is to women. The one that got up this morning. The one that faces inequality, fear and desperation. The one that is smashing ceilings and breaking the silence. The one with the heavy load to bear but who still manages to smile to her loved ones. The one that shows courage because she believes in her cause although she is uncertain of the outcome. The one that stands up for other beings. The one that chooses kindness over bitterness. The one that chooses to put her ego aside for the greater good. The one that takes care of others. To the woman battling poverty. To the one who creates a future for herself. The one that decides how she wants to respond to things instead of letting other peoples behaviour influencing her respons. To the women who support each other. The one that, despite everything, just tries one more time – and knows that if this fails, she will try yet another time.

To Mandy, Kerry, Lisa, Olivia, Monica, Sabin, Kirthi and Jessica.

To women.

You. Are. Phenomenal.

Pictures from: https://www.boredpanda.com/inspirational-quotes-womens-day/

Activism, Feminism, Gender Equality

How to become confident in a matter of seconds

Confident

Becoming confident

(This is a blog I wrote earlier for the blog LifeSurfer.net)

One of the most common things that people tell me after they have heard me speak about violence is: “Alianne, you are really confident.. It is a shame that I could never be like that!”

But the thing is, they don’t see my vulnerable moments, or how I handle them. Seconds of closing my speech during the WAVE conference (women against violence Europe), I felt fear was creeping in. In my post adrenaline glow I thought I could have spoken better English, that I could have done better in general. Maybe I had messed things up. Maybe the other professionals would think my speech was silly.

A few more seconds later (without exaggeration) my hand was kissed, I saw the tears in the eyes of the professionals who work to end the violence against women, people exclaimed how glad they were that they had come to listen and to have met me, told me how brave I was, professionals were telling me that they wanted to hire me. etc. (I still need to get used to all the love in life, but I love it, it is so empowering!)

Don’t settle for the way you are handling things right now

But there is this thing that nobody saw and that is what happened between those two moments. What I have trained myself over the years and the thing that separates me from most people is that I correct myself pretty quickly. A personality is largely made by ourselves and our thoughts about ourselves. We can choose to be confident and strong. We can learn to master our thoughts. We can choose and work towards being free.

Do the work

The reason that most people aren’t confident is that they are either to afraid to step up for what they want to become, the thoughts in their head seem to strong, they are afraid to do the work (or what they will have to face about themselves) or they don’t know how to start.

Be your own cheerleader

But how did I transform from insecure to confident in just a matter of seconds during the WAVE conference? I just interrupted my thinking. Whenever I feel that I am attacking myself, or approach myself from a place of scarcity I will stop myself from doing that immediately. I want other thoughts and believes for myself. I want to support and grow myself, not belittle me. (You can learn how to do that over here: http://www.aliannelooijenga.com/19-ways-to-become-a-confident-woman/)

I knew where my insecure thoughts were coming from and I chose not to accept the way I was thinking about myself. I knew that my negative thoughts were a lie and I decided not to dwell on depressing emotions.

Yes I am confident. But I don’t have a magic wand that gave me this “skill”. Sexual abuse, partner abuse, financial abuse, abuse supported by the government and institutions break down your feeling of safety and your self worth.

I had to work damn hard to find myself and lift me up to some higher plan with a vision and goal for myself. I had to work damn hard to remove the voices in my head that said I couldn’t do something or that I wasn’t good enough of a person. I had to work damn hard to get rid of the feeling of constant uncertainty and loss of direction in life.

But I just didn’t settle for the status quo. Working hard, every day, gets you where you want to end up.

That’s the key for everything in life. Working hard and empowering yourself in order to support others in life.

Mindset, Personal, Speaking

How to gain mastery over your emotions (in 3 steps)

How to gain mastery over your emotions (in 3 steps)

Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy. – Aristotle

How to gain mastery over your emotions 

I love this quote by Aristotle but I don’t completely agree with him. I believe anyone can gain mastery over their emotions. We all have the ability to take control over our own thoughts and beliefs and thereby having control over our emotions. And because of that the power to control our behavior without being blown away by feelings and circumstances.

But to achieve this, one needs to realize that there is an alternative to their behavior, and we need to know how to make the change. And of course, we have to be willing to change.

Without the decision and commitment to change a behavior, nothing will change, period.

 

First step: Identify your feelings.

When you want to start you first have to be conscious and curious about what you are thinking. Listen to yourself. What are the thoughts that are spinning through your mind? What is the language you use in your thoughts? Are they unproductive negative victim thoughts (why is this always happening to me), or are they empowering you? What emotions do you feel? If you find it helpful, you can write them down.

Second step: Acknowledge your feelings:

What is your emotion telling you? How you feel about something tells a whole lot about you. A particular moment in your life might give you anxiety while another person might get pleasure out of the same experience. But there is often another meaning to feelings as well. You just have to dig deeper to find it.

I will give you an example: a few years ago, I told my children to get ready for school. After repeatedly asking and reminding them, I saw them playing with Duplo, while the clock was ticking, I found myself feeling angry and stressed out.

When I took a closer look at my feelings I noticed that it wasn’t so much angriness and stress that I felt, but the feeling of disrespect because they weren’t listening to me, and the feeling of shame because I wouldn’t meet the school’s standards by being on time.

I could change both situations: I explained to Tycho and Sem what I felt, and guided them more in their morning tasks. We became happier morning persons because of it ;-). Next to that, I learned to give less importance to what other people might think and so I became more relaxed and therefore I gained more energy throughout the day. Energy that I didn’t spend worrying about others.

Third step: Take back control

When you have thoughts like: “Well, if she just hadn’t said this” or “If he would have done that, I would feel…” you are giving your personal power away. Others seem to have the power to control your emotions. Remind yourself that you are the only one accountable for your emotions and instead of blaming, find ways to solutions, and make the experience useful.

To feel happiness you will need to redirect your energy of “poor me” into “powerful me!” Give limited space to the things that are draining your energy and that you can’t control, and give attention to the things that give you energy and that you can control. Your life will go where you focus on, so focus on where you want to go, not by what you fear or makes you feel powerless.

Change your thoughts: If you think: “What drains my energy right now,” you focus on what drains your energy and you will feel empty. But if you think: “what gives me energy?” Your focus is on all the things that give you energy and you will feel completely different because the latter empowers you instead of draining you.

Which language do you use?

It is as simple as this: no person or situation in the whole wide world makes you feel sad or happy..

“But hey Alianne, wait a minute” – you might think- “when he did this to me and when I felt…” Yes, I know, I hear what you are going to say, but let me finish. No one makes you feel sad or happy because your emotions are based on how you’re interpreting each situation and event in your life, see?

What makes your neighbour feel happy, might be different from what makes you happy. And what feels disastrous and gives anxiety to one person, may just feel like a tiny bump in the road for another.

What makes you feel pressure in the form of anxiety and stress? How can you turn this around? Where do you want to be in 5 years’ time and what action can you take to get there? Those are questions that will help you move forward.

In which direction are you going?

Imagine how you want to feel: Close your eyes and take deep belly breaths. Feel your mental pressure and let it go with a deep exhale. Imagine yourself feeling relaxed and happy. Think of what makes you feel happy and feel relaxed. Realize that you are the only one in control over your thoughts and thereby the moments of your life. The only thing you need to feel happy is to imagine it.

What are the actions you can take to become where you want to be? I recommend you do this guided meditation of Jason Stephenson and enjoy his beautiful Australian accent: https://goo.gl/kaJP1o

Use your experience:

The truth is that you most likely have experienced this emotion before, although maybe in another context. What did you do previously when you felt that emotion? What was the outcome? What can you do now to get a better outcome? What kind of action can you do now to feel the way you want? What do you need to feel the emotion you want to feel? And how can you give that to yourself?

If you are feeling stressed, it is important to implement more fun, spontaneous actions.  So go out, have some fun, and relax a bit!

No harm can come from that!

X

Family, Home, Mindset, Personal

Break the silence: How to tell others that you were abused

Break the silence: How to tell others that you were abused

How do you tell your family and (new) friends that you’re a survivor of domestic violence and/or sexual abuse?

Some will say that you just have to “just say it” and others will say you have to plan carefully.

The problem with the first suggestion is being too impulsive, and the problem with the latter is that by planning too much, overthinking too much, you likely will procrastinate and/or create unnecessary worries and anxieties.

I have heard a lot of people say they just want a successful outcome.

But what is a successful outcome? Is there even a successful outcome?

Second: you can never control the “outcome” or the reactions of the person to whom you are telling your story. Nor should you want to, because it is in the reaction of the other person that you can see the value of your relationship with them. It is not your job to be busy thinking about what the other thinks and does. It should be your goal to think about how revealing your secret will benefit you. Telling someone you are a survivor is something you do for yourself.

Although I never hid my story of sexual abuse from my mother, I didn’t tell my story to the rest of my family until I was 26. At first, I was silent to protect my beloved grandfather; after that it was to protect my aunt who was married to the abuser; and as a child, it because I was afraid of the stories of child protective services. And because my uncle threatened, “What would happen to your poor mom” if he wasn’t there to help my mom out with things around the house.

With the help of my friend, I’ve written a looooong document where I told all of my uncles, aunts, and adult nephews and nieces what happened.

I sent the letter and my family went silent. Well… At least until my uncle the abuser responded to prosecute me for defamation. Thereafter I decided to file charges against him for sexual abuse because I discovered the statutory limitations on abuse hadn’t expired yet.

After a little while, my older nephew called me. He told me he was the only one in the whole family who didn’t know that this had happened despite the knowledge of his father (my uncle) and his mother (my aunt).  I had told what happened to someone close to me and that person had told my aunt and my grandmother, and apparently, everyone knew in my family knew after that.

The whole family knew the whole time! I had a really big family. And nobody did anything or talked to me about it!

My nephew concluded the phone call that he would await the judge’s ruling in the case of defamation.

The judge’s ruling was in my favor. Except for the brief phone call from my nephew and the prosecution for defamation, I never heard from my family again.

This experience showed me that there is a difference between family by blood and your chosen family by heart. I am truly more happy to have people in my life who truly love me for who I am and who stand up for me and stick with me when the going gets tough no matter what than the forced family who did nothing to show they cared.

So, back to the second question: what is a successful outcome?

I think it’s about the enormous weight falling from your shoulders. There is no dirty secret anymore. The meaning you give to this abuse becomes less heavy; you essentially free yourself. It opens the doors to accept yourself for who you are, to acknowledge that you have nothing to be ashamed of, and to fully express yourself.

Back to the original question: How do you tell your family and (new) friends that you’re a survivor of domestic violence and/or sexual abuse?

It is important to not “overthink,” you cannot possibly know what the other person is thinking, so stop wasting your time doing so.

Ask yourself: What is your reason for telling?

  • Is your goal to explain your past to another, or maybe your behaviors?
  • To tell someone else why you have certain fears or why you are struggling with depression, suspiciousness or certain sexual issues?
  • Maybe you seek validation and moral support? To let it all out and to heal this wound in your heart caused by the secret’s damaging characteristics?
  • Do you want to protect other (future) victims?

Before you enter the conversation, think things through:

  • How do I explain why I didn’t tell someone sooner (some people most likely wanted to reach out to you sooner)?
  • How do I want to tell (via a written letter, meeting somewhere or maybe both)?
  • When do I want to tell it; it is best to schedule a moment when you both have time for this type of conversation.

As you sit down with the person you feel most comfortable with, someone you trust and who is most likely to believe you, you may still feel nervous. Tell the other person you feel nervous and that you need support from that person after you have told them your story (that gives the listener an idea how he/she should react since your story can come as a complete shock and that person doesn’t know how he/she is allowed to comfort you).

You have to prepare yourself for possible letdowns, too. Sometimes people will have trouble believing you. Remember how difficult it was to accept what happened to you. It’s a good thing to have compassion for the recipient of your story. Others might need time to accept it, too.

At first, it may seem easier to hide from others what you’ve been through. But the secret will grow until you become sick, and it bursts. Whenever you are ready to let this secret go, do it on your own timing, with the people you trust the most. And if you tell others, you can take the people you trust most with you to support you when you tell your story to others.

Some notes:

  • Writing a letter can be a good alternative to a face-to-face meeting if you think that you might be interrupted when you are telling your story. A letter can also help to serve as a guide when you tell your story. It also helps when you have trouble with expressing yourself under pressure.
  • Advice from a therapist can really help before you drop the bomb. He or she can discuss your goals with you, the probable outcomes the conversation can have, and can practice the conversation with you.
  • It is important to know that telling is hard but keeping something like this secret, will damage you deeply, and thereby infect those around you.
  • You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not alone. 1 out of 3 women are victims of abuse. You have the right to be true to yourself and to tell your story.
  • There is no good or bad way to tell your story.
  • This too shall pass.
  • Most importantly: we need more people to show the world who they really are.

The first time is the heaviest. After this, you gain confidence and it becomes easier every time. Maybe you want to tell others after this, or maybe you don’t. For some, it helps to talk about it more often, while others may not be ready yet to deal with the strong emotions they experience when they talk about the abuse and trauma. It’s okay. It’s important that you break the silence and accept that this is a part of your life. It has shaped you into the person you are now. It’s time to let go of shame. It’s time to break with the victim inside of you. It’s time for you to move on and to start living.

Abuse, Family, Family by blood, Mindset, Personal

How to talk with your children about abuse

How to talk with your children about abuse

One of the hardest things you do after a relationship with an abuser has ended, is talking with your children about their abusive father or mother. Sometimes it can feel if you have to weigh each and every word on a scale and if you are tiptoeing on a very thin string.

Perhaps you’re wondering whether you should bring up the topic when your child doesn’t mention it, how you can talk about what your ex-partner did to you, and what you should actually do with your own emotions. Below you can find a couple of tips. Choose the ones that feel right for you.

Set some ground rules with yourself

Just like there is an age restriction on tonnes of films, it should also exist in your imagination during conversations with your child. Your child is mentally not ready to hear all the horrible details of what their father did to you. You then push all kinds of adult emotions into a tiny body, and your child doesn’t have the mental capacity, nor the ability to handle it. Keep adult topics far away from your child’s ears. In my house I have the strict rule; subject A (which I never mention out loud) is only discussed at night when the children are asleep, and preferably when the children are staying elsewhere. My children don’t have to know that I was sexually abused for ten years and that that is the reason why my mother doesn’t cycle in the abuser’s street. They don’t have to know they were born early because I was abused by their progenitor. They have their own history with him, their own trauma, and that is bad enough. Apart from that, I just want to let them be children.

Find (independent) help

Many children have difficulties to talk about their emotions, so when you notice that in your own child, it is time to get help. Find an independent child psychologist to talk with your child.

Let them talk

When my children want to talk about it, I do this without judgement. I let them tell their story. I don’t interrupt their conversation by, for example, talking about myself. I don’t give them my vision, but when possible I provide them with support to continue talking. Sharing is good, and it gives me an idea of how far they’ve come in their development and trauma processing.

Safety first

I have not allowed my children to go with their biological father after they had been abused by him (about which you can read more here: http://www.aliannelooijenga.com/infringing-the-rules-despite-the-consequences/. Despite penalties, threats of juridical hostage, and increasing the penalties, I always put my children’s safety first.

I once told my children they would never have to see him again, which I started to regret when youth care forced me to let them see each other again. I had given them my promise and couldn’t keep myself to it. Nevertheless, I will never let them be alone again, since that is too dangerous.

Be honest towards your children.

When my son told me I wasn’t clever for having chosen such a stupid father, I agreed with him. I am honest about what happened in the process (though, of course, I don’t bother burden them with unnecessary insecurity).

Indicate your boundaries.

You don’t want your child to lose themselves in all kinds of nasty fantasies. Let your child finish, but do indicate your boundaries.

My children know the abuse is not their fault. Children always have the tendency to blame themselves, which is something I have been vigilant for from the very beginning.

Pay attention to your child’s drawings.

My children used to make drawings in which the abuser was very tall and they were very small. They also made drawings in which they drew him as very ugly, after which they crumpled up the paper and threw it away. Later they would make drawings in which they were very tall. When I saw them drawing something like that, I always joined them to talk about it. I gave them space so they could use their drawings to tell me what they were thinking. Of course, I thought the drawings were horrible, but by not reacting emotionally and by giving them my time and attention, they felt safe to tell their story.

Don’t force conversations;

let it come from your child. Forcing when a child isn’t ready will only cause your child to withdraw even more.

Praise your children.

Show your child that you see and recognize and understand his/her feelings. Give compliments.  My children receive loads of compliments. About having dried the dishes well, that a shirt looks very nice, reminding them that they are strong etc. Together with them, I strengthen their self-image.

Watch your child.

Children pay an enormous amount of attention to the reaction of adults. Show your child that you believe (in) them and will be there for them and have their best interest at heart.

What if your child misses their father?

We have never been in that situation because at the moment when an affective bond should have developed (during the imposed moments of contact), that didn’t happen. But whatever your situation is; talk to your child about their emotions. Find the space in your heart to talk about the good moments that have happened, find neutral words (i.e. don’t say, “Well, and that moron of a dad of yours”, don’t play down the events and explain what you can.

Be patient.

Abuse is already hard to understand for an adult, but for a child it is completely unfathomable. Be patient if your child has put some walls in front of you or struggles with feelings of loyalty towards the abusive parent.

Discuss healthy boundaries.

Talk about how one should treat another. That it is never okay to physically, sexually or emotionally hurt another living being. And ofcourse, what your child should do and to whom your child should go when someone crosses those boundaries.

Empower your child

Humans have a tendency to tell themselves all kinds of negative things about why they are unworthy of something. And what you tell yourself, you will believe. So give your child some positive affirmations. Plant those little sentences in your child’s head. Rewire their brain and program empowerment in their brain. A few example of sentences you could use:

1.) I am loved

2.) I am strong

3.) I am worthy

4.) I am fierce

5.) I can acchieve anything

6.) I am save (but only if it is the right thing to say of course)

7.) I am powerful

8.) I have a beautiful soul

You can also listen to the video below or check out this website to find other affirmations for kids you can use. Remember to frequently tell your children the same affirmations so they will remember them.

145+ Powerfully Positive Affirmations for Kids

Love,

Alianne

Morning Motivation Starting off with positive affirmations can set a great tone for how your day unfolds. Learning this from an early age can be very beneficial in the esteem and confidence of a child. We are all Destined for Greatness!

Posted by The DFG Movement on Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Abuse, Family, Family by blood, Mindset, Personal, Speaking

PAVE 009: Peace, the Red Elephant Foundation, Gender Equality, and how to inspire people into action with Kirthi Jayakumar

Kirthi Jayakumar is an activist, artist and writer from Chennai, India. She founded and runs the Red Elephant Foundation, a civilian peacebuilding initiative that works for gender equality through storytelling, advocacy and digital interventions. She is a member of the Youth Working Group for Gender Equality. Kirthi is the recipient of the US Presidential Services Medal (2012) for her services as a volunteer to Delta Women NGO, and the two-time recipient of the UN Online Volunteer of the Year Award (2012, 2013).

Kirthi is also the recipient of the Global Peace Prize 2016, from WeSchool, and the Rising Star of India Award, 2016, from We The City India. Her second book, The Dove’s Lament, made it to the final shortlist for the Muse India Young Writers’ Literary Award. Kirthi was recently invited to the United State of Women Summit at the White House in Washington DC, as a nominated changemaker. She is also a Zen Doodler, and her works have been commissioned by corporate establishments, non-profits and art collectors world over.

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 009 with Kirthi Jayakumar please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against-violence-podcast/id1203285774?mt=2#episodeGuid=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.professionalsagainstviolence.com%2F%3Fp%3D932

About your host: 

Alianne Looijenga is an international speaker motivating organizations to effectively help survivors of partner abuse, child abuse and sexual abuse. She is also the founder of aliannelooijenga.com and the Professionals against violence (PAVE) podcast.   Alianne is a survivor of sexual abuse (including rape); partner abuse; and is the mother of twins who were abused by their biological father after a judge granted him visitation rights when the children were three years old.

Alianne is dedicated to the empowerment of survivors of abuse and to support organisations working to end the violence against women and children.

TOPICS DISCUSSED AND ORGANISATIONS/EVENTS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

  • Kirthi suffered different kinds of abuse: sexual abuse, bullying, racism and ethnic violence. It made her empathy driven but it had a major impact. She chose silence over articulation of the things that happened to her with manifestations on her health as a result.
  • How Kirthi transformed because of the New Delhi rape and the wisdom of her mother:
  • You have two options: you can feel terrible about this, you can feel depressed, you can mourn about it, you can do whatever you want, fine. Or you can do this for some time and pick up your life. Whatever it is that you do, remember it is your choice and whatever you choose, I am with you.
  • Kirthi thought deeply for six months about all that happened, learned about alternative healing, read and thought a lot and after six months she gave her mom (on her birthday) the gift of Kirthi’s empowerment and founded the Red Elephant Foundation.
  • United state of Women (9:00 minutes)
  • The secret about how Kirthi can accomplish so much per day
  • Female infanticide (12:00 minutes)
  • Why Kirthi chose fiction to tell her stories to inspire people into action (13:00 minutes)
  • The writing proces of the writer of Dimashq (15.00 minutes)

– Syrian conflict

–  A different approach in thinking about war and conflict

Kirthi’s biggest dream (19:00 minutes)

Why peace is so important for Kirthi (21:00 minutes)

Alianne’s story regarding to health and trauma (35 minutes)

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 009 with Kirthi Jayakumar please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against-violence-podcast/id1203285774?mt=2#episodeGuid=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.professionalsagainstviolence.com%2F%3Fp%3D932

MORE ABOUT KIRTHI AND THE RED ELEPHANT FOUNDATION

MORE ABOUT KIRTHI 

http://www.redelephantfoundation.org/

https://www.instagram.com/femcyclopaedia/

https://www.instagram.com/kirthipotamus/

The Doodle Kirthi created for me (I am still humbled to be featured next to these women): https://www.instagram.com/p/BSzC5e8A-R9/?taken-by=femcyclopaedia

Kirthi’s books, including the Dove’s lament and the doodler of Dimashq: https://www.amazon.com/Kirthi-Jayakumar/e/B076V6GJBY

MORE ABOUT PAVE

https://www.instagram.com/aliannelooijenga

SPONSORS

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to help us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

To listen to the PAVE podcast Episode 009 with Kirthi Jayakumar please click here: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against-violence-podcast/id1203285774?mt=2#episodeGuid=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.professionalsagainstviolence.com%2F%3Fp%3D932

Abuse, Activism, Feminism, Gender Equality, Health, Interview, Mindset, Patriarchy, PAVE Podcast, Personal, UN women