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Activism

Abuse and the common sense of the family court system

I wrote some of my (more personal) blogs for the website lifesurfer.net in 2015/2016. This is one of these blogs. The organisations mentioned in this blog are no longer interfering with my family and I only have professional contact with them for when they ask me for advice regarding domestic violence.

The common sense of the family court system

Many abused women have faced injustice, heartbreak and fear when dealing with the family court system.

This article is addressing this international problem, but will mention Dutch organisations I have been involved with.

Dutch institutions and organisations and their abbreviations:

RVDK = raad van de kinderbescherming best translated as The Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service which is set up to promote the welfare of children and families involved in family court.

AMK = The Advice and Reporting Centre was until the end of 2014 a Dutch organization that registered reports of suspected child abuse, gave advice and, and if necessary, took action to prevent further harm.

Jeugdzorg = Youth Care Agency is a Dutch care institution for youth with both voluntary and mandatory care assistance and guidance

Common sense

When I was 14 I started a relationship with my ex-partner, who was 21 at the time. The years that followed were characterized by emotional abuse, rape and financial abuse. During this time I felt as though my life was completely in his hands, as he made every decision. When I tried to escape, I found out I was pregnant, which was a complete surprise – a miracle, given my chronic disease. I decided to stay with him because I believed he would change for our children – I was having twins – and would seek help for his violent behavior, as he had promised me he would.

Because of the emotional abuse I suffered, my self-confidence was very low. I couldn’t imagine taking care of children by myself, and I didn’t want my children growing up in a broken home without a father. It turned out that this was wishful thinking, as during my pregnancy I was still abused, badly enough that my twins were born prematurely. Eventually we fled his house.

My stress increased every time I stood up to my ex-partner to protect my children from his abuse and after the social service wanted to receive child support for my children so they could withhold it from my allowance. Something for which I had never asked my ex-partner, by agreement.

Angry because he felt he was losing his power over me and because the social service wanted money from him, he wanted value for his money and threatened to call Youth Care and take my children from me.

Since then I have dealt with several youth care organisations and  RVDK ( Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) employees.

Talking about child abuse and partner violence is taboo

What I noticed about these employees is that they did not dare approach the subject of child abuse. I don’t know if that’s because they don’t have enough funded scientific knowledge, are afraid of the extra work or just have a blind spot for this subject; regardless, the results are the same. In the past, people used to cite PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) as a reason to let children visit their father, nowadays employees and the media directly address a divorce battle.

It is overlooked that different motives exist when it comes to violence between partners and a messy divorce, with each being a completely different subject is not realized and therefore disregarded.  An extreme example of this was when I made a statement to the police about child abuse and partner violence. It is a standard procedure for the police to alert the AMK (advice and child abuse reporting centre) when someone files for child abuse. When I was sitting at the desk of an AMK employee our report was literally pushed aside.

None of the employees of the RVDK, youth care or the AMK ever asked me why I hadn’t completely committed to the visitation rights but instead chose a less intense form of contact. None of the employees to whom I have spoken over the years has had specialised knowledge of the field of child abuse and partner violence. Everyone I have spoken to has acted out of dogmatic principles within Youth Care – that every child not only has the right to two biological parents but also that the absence of a parent always threatens the child’s psychological and emotional development.

An employee at the youth centre we had to visit had such a romantic view about the “always apparent and unbreakable bond between child and biological parent” that he approved of a case in which a child was forced to visit a parent in prison. This parent had tried to kill the child and had actually killed the child’s mother and little brother in front of the child’s eyes.

Acting out of gut feelings

None of the employees I talked to acted out of well-funded scientific substantiation, knowledge or research. Rather, they acted out of dogmatic principles like they exist within youth care, the AMK and the RVDK. These agencies suffer from tunnel vision; they assume that it is always bad for the development of a child if he or she has no contact with the biological father.

Of course, a bond between a father and an child is an important factor that should be considered when determining visitation rights but there already must be a bond and such a bond between child and father should have been developed long before the divorce (Source: Stichting Zijweg (2008) Uit het veld geslagen. Knelpunten na partnergeweld). This was, and isn’t, the case with my children. My ex left the house where we more or less lived in together when the children just became one year old when he abused me severely.

Earlier in the relationship he had been home only during the weekends because of his work, but after the children were born he was almost never at home even then. If he was home he didn’t interfere with the children at all. He never took care of them and when I left him and he forced his way into my house and a few times randomly showed up and demanded to take the kids (a request I initially didn’t dare refuse out of fear of him) he would bring the kids after an hour to my mother’s house because he didn’t know what to do with them. The children really met him for the first time when they were three-and-a-half years old. At that point, they didn’t have any memories of him. Thankfully, because it meant they didn’t remember the abuse.

Common sense

What I’ve missed in my contacts with Youth Care, the council and the court is the use of common sense. According to the prevailing dogma within Youth Care and the RvdK, contact with the father is more important than investigating whether the child’s physical and mental well being will benefit from contact with an abuser. Whether contact with this biological parent is in the child’s best interest. The risks of child abuse are greatly underestimated. Youth Care and the RvdK act as though once a divorce is agreed upon, the children and mother are no longer in danger because no family situation exists anymore.

However, it is generally known that violence often continues after a relationship ends. For example, the father uses the children as pawns, engages in emotional and physical abuse, maintains control over the mother via the children, files frivolous lawsuits, does not fully pay alimony or pays it late, blames the victim or threatens the mother. None of this is taken into account, a situation that results in the continued abuse of children and mothers by ex-partners.

A deal is sought without taking history into account and without adequately examining the statements and behavior of the father during his conversations with care workers. The children are delivered to him like packages – without consideration for how safe the situation actually is and under the motto that they never can be sure who speaks the truth nothing is done with the history of abuse and the earlier child abuse.It is literally pushed aside.Nobody asks about it. Nobody asks what the father’s plans are regarding parenting techniques when he yells in court that he wants to be in touch with his children, but then doesn’t show any initiative or attempt to contact them. The only thing that matters and what contains the value is the fact that he partially created the children and the blind dogma says that contact with a parent is always good for a child.

PAS is applied but disguised

No consideration of safety risks is made because one of the dogmas of Youth Care is that a child is harmed when he or she isn’t in contact with the biological father. Youth Care still regularly refers to the principles of parental alienation, which is caused by false information to the child by the custodial parent. This is despite the fact that PAS has been refuted by well-funded scientific research. The myth is still used in practice, and mothers who don’t fully agree to contact with the father during the intake of Youth Care are immediately labeled liars who are acting out of grudges and resentment stemming from the divorce.

Coercion and threats cause damage

In my contact with Youth Care and the RvdK, I’ve encountered significant coercion, in particular by two employees of Youth Care, the employees of the centre, the court and my ex. I had to cooperate and had to do what they wanted otherwise, the children would be removed from my home, the children and I would be placed under supervision by a guardian, the children would have to live with their father, I would have to pay penalties or I would even be held hostage. The OTS (under the supervision of Youth Care by means of a family guardian) and the penalties are actually imposed. My ex is able to demand 15.000 euro at any moment now and make our lives miserable – a situation hanging above our heads like the Sword of Damocles. It’s a powerful weapon of which he reminds me regularly and, just like in the relationship, when money was the weapon, it apparently gives him pleasure and a sense of power.

I didn’t feel understood by any of the employees. I didn’t feel as though they maintained essential knowledge of child abuse or partner violence or that they considered children in their decision-making process. Today, my children and I are still working through the damage that has been inflicted upon us by the visitation rights that were established when they were three-and-a-half to four years old and the events in the youth care centre when they were seven. The pressure under which I found myself triggered symptoms of PTSS. Together, we have had some rough years.

Common sense

Back to common sense. Since when is the right of the father (especially a father who is only a father in the biological sense, having begotten the children) more important than the right of the child to grow up in a safe environment? When are facts not considered and common sense not used to determine what really happened any more? Since when are no conversations had with children and their mothers about why they are scared? Why aren’t fears investigated? Why, when the mother doesn’t let her children go to an abuser, is she threatened with fines and the loss of her authority, with being forced to let her children live with a parent they don’t know and with whom their safety can’t be guaranteed? Where is the common sense that says we must investigate what’s really going on before we coerce contact with all the instruments of power we have?

The child as a percentage in statistics

When I asked a male employee in the youth care centre in Leeuwarden how the centre was going to ensure that my children would be safe emotionally and physically with my ex-partner, the employee just shrugged and said, “We can’t rule out the possibility of something happening with them if they’re with him”. I reminded him that one can’t gamble with the lives and welfare of children. Their emotional and physical well being isn’t something that can be put at stake so that the rights of the begetter can be maintained or from a dogmatic principle nor can one put blindfolds on and maintain a tunnel vision, saying that contact with the father is always in the best interest of the child. After all research shows that at least one child per week dies by child abuse, and with the attitude of Youth Care, that isn’t surprising.

Living in uncertainty

I know that this week when the family guardian wishes us a nice Christmas and a happy New Year, she ends her working day and goes home while we stay behind living in uncertainty and concern about what Youth Care is planning now that my children are doing a lot better upon the total absence of their biological father and family guardians.

This is because I have done everything in my power, despite the destructive influence that Youth Care has had on my children, to give them confidence and the sense that they are safe. I am the one that sought adequate professional help for them even though their biological father and employees of youth care frustrated my attempts to do so.

Now we must wait on what Youth Care is planning to do with my children. Even though their father has shown no interest in them and has made no initiative to contact them, the schools, or anyone else involved in their lives, Youth Care continues to believe that contact is possible and would be in the children’s best interest (False! as the children are doing much better now that they don’t have any contact with him and now that they are processing the trauma that the youth care centre caused them) . This is despite the fact that the children’s psychologist indicated that youth care should stop putting pressure on the children to have contact with their biological father, with whom they never bonded.

If Youth Care would forget its dogma’s, they would see that a partner abuser exhibits different parenting behaviour and maintains different motives than “normal” parents do. No term like PAS or divorce battle can change such parenting behavior. This can happen only when it is acknowledged that a divorce battle and a divorce following partner violence are completely different, non-comparable issues that ask for separate and different approaches.

This means more work for investigators, family guardians and employees of Youth Care, as well as more effort from judges. It means daring to enter a conversation with the victims of domestic violence and with the abuser himself, sincerely listening to children and, for every individual case investigating what the family needs with respect to rest, safety and stability. Having an open mind towards the family and considering every fact when making a decision. It means seeing the key players as individuals instead of placing them into the category of “a divorce battle” and not simply going along with the opinions of colleagues who have never seen the children. It means, as a family guardian, following one’s own observations and adhering to research.

 

More information about guest lectures and workshops:

For guest lectures or advice about complex issues regarding partner abuse, sexual abuse or child abuse and for which specialised knowledge is necessary, I’m available via alianne@aliannelooijenga.com. In your email, tell me about your organisation and what you would like me to do. I will contact you to discuss how I can be of help.

 

Collaboration and sponsorships:

I am open for collaboration and sponsorships. Just shoot me an email via alianne@aliannelooijenga.com so we can talk further.

Activism, Family, Mindset, Personal, Speaking

PAVE 006: Surviver of an Acid Attack, Speaker for UN women, founder of Mahendra Singh Foundation with Monica Singh

Monica Singh

Monica Singh was just 19 years old when a rejected admirer threw acid over her body. It took dozens of corrective surgeries and the life savings of Monica’s late father but Monica battled back to hit her goal: to study at Parson’s and become a fashion designer.

Not only that; but she is also involved with UN women and the founder of the Mahendra Singh Foundation – named after her late father which helps victims of physical and sexual abuse, acid attacks, rape and domestic violence in  rebuilding their confidence and strength on their journey to becoming survivors.  The foundation spreads awareness and mobilize community resources in providing counseling, training,medical-care, and career guidance to survivors in rebuilding their lives.

For listeners without an Apple product with the “podcast” app, please visit: https://soundcloud.com/user-476654029/episode-007-monica-singh-surviver-of-acid-attack-speaker-for-un-women-founder-of-msfoundation to listen to the episode.

For listeners with Apple product: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against/id1203285774?l=en is the way to go.

Topics discussed and organisations/events mentioned in this episode:

“So the question is coming; how do you want to pursue your life after that?

Because that is what life is about. Otherwise you could sit and lay on a bed and think about what has happened and why it happened, and you keep reevaluating your life. But you have this opportunity, and how long can revaluation go?”

  • 4:08 Monica’s story; how Monica moved on after the acid attack, going from survivor to thriver
  • 8:00 choosing brain over face
  • 9:40 Becoming a global youth champion and her new hope of becoming a good will ambassador.
  • 13:00 Face of resilience, UN Women
  • 16:00 New projects and the Mahendra Sing Foundation
  • 23:00 Stop selling Acid in the open market
  • 24:00 Repercussions for attackers, justice for survivors
  • 28:00 foolish men around the world, princesses and having a blessed life ?
  • 30:00 Learning to move on after trauma, channelizing your experiences
  • 36:00 Monica’s love for movies

More about Monica Singh

Mahendra Singh Foundation twitter: https://twitter.com/MSF_joininghand
Mahendra Singh Foundation website http://mahendrasinghfoundation.org/

More about PAVE

Twitter.com/pave_podcast

Sponsors

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to collaborate with us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

Activism, Mindset, PAVE Podcast, UN women

PAVE 005: Empowering women, UNwomen, Ananke magazine with Sabin Muzaffar

sabin muzaffar

Sabin Muzaffar is the Executive Editor & Founder of Ananke (www.anankemag.com), a digital platform empowering women through advocacy, awareness and education. Sabin has two decades of experience in traditional and new media – starting her professional journey in Karachi, Pakistan. She has worked for and contributed to numerous local & international publications including daily The News International, SPIDER, SHE, Dawn, Gulf News, Khaleej Times, ITP publication, BBVA OPENMIND, International Women’s Initiative and many more.

A collaborator and speaker at many events, Sabin was selected as UN Women’s Empower Global Champion for Women’s Economic Empowerment 2915-2016 and is currently an Empower Women Mentor and partner; in addition to being a Vision Mentor at World Pulse.

In 2014, acknowledging the gaping void in the digital realm in terms of documenting women’s achievements and highlighting HERstories, Sabin founded Ananke magazine. The platform not only covers in-depth articles on topics like women’s health, education, STEM, Law, climate change with a gender perspective; it showcases women as role models for young aspiring women. In 2016, Ananke launched its digital internship program for girls that enables anyone to apply from anywhere in the world. Over 30 girls from countries including Pakistan, Australia, the UAE, US, Kenya, Ghana, Nigeria and Turkey have been mentored over the past 11 months.

Sabin‘s vision is provide a platform for dialogue on Women’s Economic Empowerment and how women can empower other women through collaboration.

For listeners without an Apple product with the “podcast” app, please visit: https://soundcloud.com/user-476654029/episode-005-sabin-muzaffar-unwomen-gender-equality-ananke-magazine-empowering-women to listen to the episode.

For listeners with an Apple product: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against/id1203285774?l=en is the way to go.

Topics discussed and organisations/events mentioned in this episode:

  • Ananke magazine – an interactive platform, that empowers women through education and awareness
  • Empower women – a UN entity
  • World Pulse
  • Women’s economic empowerment
  • How Ananke is perceived by the male population in Dubai and UAE’s vision about gender equality, inclusion and diversity.
  • Patriarchal societies.
  • The importance of collaboration

More about Sabin Muzaffar

Sabin’s twitter: https://twitter.com/critoe
Ananke’s twitter: https://twitter.com/anankemag

More about PAVE

Twitter.com/pave_podcast

Sponsors

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to collaborate with us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.co

Activism, Feminism, Gender Equality, Patriarchy, PAVE Podcast, UN women, Women's rights

PAVE 004: UNwomen, CSW and International Womens Day with Ravi Karkara

Regarding Ravi Karkara’s investigation:

Update 09/08/2018

A while ago I was warned by Mandy Sanghera (my mentor and first guest on the PAVE podcast) that Ravi Karkara was under investigation for sexual misconduct.

Ravi was also one of the first guests of the PAVE podcast and senior advisor for UN women. Although I knew about this dreadful news for a while I am still shocked and at first didn’t know what to do about this particular episode with Ravi. Should I delete it, should I take it down, I really had no idea. And to be honest I am still not quite sure what to do with it right now.  

Until I am sure about what to do I decided to keep this episode. Not only because the investigation is still going on but also because it shows that (sexual) abuse, manipulation and misuse of power can happen everywhere. That what someone is pretending to be can very differ from the reality. It can happen in every organisation, in every position, regardless of gender and even an institution like the UN is not immune to it.

What is important now is what the UN will do with their investigation and the other accusations in former and present complaints and very importantly: how the UN will reform it’s culture. 

My wish is that the UN will take a stand and will serve as a rolemodel for institutions like courts, police stations and so on. Because victims have been silenced for to long.

#silencedtoolong. #metoo

https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2018/aug/08/senior-un-gender-and-youth-adviser-accused-sexual-misconduct-ravi-karkara-investigation-eight-men-un-women

Ravi Karkara is a Senior Advisor on Strategic Partnerships and Advocacy to the Assistant Secretary General to the UN and Deputy Executive Director at UN Women. With over two decades of experience, Ravi is an expert in various international development-related fields, driving innovation, building strategic partnerships, and promoting advocacy and programming in the areas of human rights, gender equality, accountability and social justice. He is also the Acting Head of Private Sector for UN Women.
  Ravi has been instrumental in supporting UN Women’s work on strategy development – this includes Strategy on Youth and Gender Equality, Working with Boys and Men in Gender Equality.
He has been awarded the Global Officials Award for his work on youth and gender equality and the Inter-Faith Award on promoting peace and harmony. He was also appointed as Junior Chamber International Ambassador.  Previously, he has also worked with the UN Millennium Campaign, UN-HABITAT, UNICEF and Save the Children and has written more than 80 publications/articles in his career spanning over two decades.

Topics discussed and organisations/events mentioned in this episode:

  • CSW – Commission status of women
  • International Women’s day
  • Life Cycle perspective to empower young women
  • Balancing private life
  • Working in gender equality is to transform both femininity and masculinity
  • Being a male feminist
  • Transforming patriarchy

More about Ravi Karkara

More about PAVE

Twitter.com/pave_podcast

Sponsors

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to collaborate with us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

Activism, Feminism, Gender Equality, Interview, Patriarchy, PAVE Podcast, UN women, Women's rights

PAVE 003: Jessica Eaton; researcher victim blaming, founder first UK male mental health centre

Jessica Eaton is an engaging, passionate speaker, lecturer, researcher and writer in the fields of sexual violence and mental health. With a career history in the management of victim and witness services in the criminal justice system, training and managing rape counseling services, setting up the first male mental health centre in the UK and training police, social workers, health staff, councilors, psychologists and local authority staff in child sexual abuse and safeguarding.

For listeners with an Apple product with the “podcast” app please visit: https://itunes.apple.com/nl/podcast/pave-professionals-against/id1203285774?l=en

Jessica Eaton

Topics discussed and organisations/events mentioned in this episode:

  • Who inspired Jessica to found the first UK male mental health centre.
  • Why she focuses on victim blaming.
  • Her research on victim blaming about the public view who is the blame for sexual violence.
  • Jessica’s new book
  • How she uses social media to have conversations, discussions and debates with people with different views and backgrounds like a pedophile about how he controls his thoughts and feelings about abusing children.

More about Jessica Eaton

More about PAVE

Twitter.com/pave_podcast

Sponsors

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to collaborate with us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

Abuse, Activism, Interview, PAVE Podcast

PAVE 002: Shruti Kapoor; educating, equip and empowering women and girls against all forms of violence

Shruti Kapoor is a speaker for UN women and the founder of Sayfty. Sayty is an organisation that educates, equips and empowers women and girls against all forms of violence by training young women and girls in self-defence.

For listeners without an Apple product with the “podcast” app, please visit: https://soundcloud.com/user-476654029/pave-podcast-shruti-kapoor-episode-02 to listen to the episode.

Topics discussed and organisations/events mentioned in this episode:

  • Why Shruti Kapoor founded Sayfty and how she became involved with UN women
  • New Delhi gang rape
  • UN youth network for gender equality
  • Commission on the Status of Women youth (see link below)
  • Youth agency UN women
  • How do you change age old beliefs and stereotypes
  • A moment that changed how Shruti looks at things
  • Breaking a brick with bare hands by changing your mental attitude
  • Restricting ourselves by our limiting beliefs
  • People extraordinaire, where inspiring women are interviewed
  • The quote that helps Shruti to keep going

More about Sayfty

More about Shruti

https://twitter.com/kapoors_s

Youth CSW61 Online Consultation link (open for youth aged 18 – 35yrs): https://www.empowerwomen.org/en/community/discussions/2017/02/have-your-say-csw61-youth

More about PAVE

www.aliannelooijenga.com/about/pave

Twitter.com/pave_podcast

Sponsors

If you want to be a guest on the PAVE podcast, a volunteer working for PAVE, if you are interested in becoming a PAVE sponsor, or want to collaborate with us in an other way, email me to see how we can work together to end the violence against women and children.

email: alianne@aliannelooijenga.com

 

Activism, Interview, PAVE Podcast, Personal, Speaking, UN women

PAVE 001: Mandy Sanghera; building bridges and smashing ceilings

podcast

Mandy Sanghera is an international human rights activists who has spent the last 27 years supporting victims and survivors of Honour Based Violence and cultural Abuse, Forced Marriage , Faith Based Abuse etc. Mandy is an international motivational speaker who has spent years supporting and empowering others find their purpose and rebuild their lives after abuse .

To listen to the episode for Apple users: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/id1203285774

Mentioned in this podcast:

CSW for youth

http://www.unwomen.org/en/news/stories/2016/3/youth-forum-at-csw60

King’s college

http://www.kcl.ac.uk/sspp/departments/idi/Events/IDI-News–Events.aspx

Mandy holds a weekly twitter chat called

Girl summit 2014

https://www.gov.uk/government/topical-events/girl-summit-2014

Kalbir Bains, author of “not our daughter” https://twitter.com/kalbirbains

 

Hello Mandy, welcome at the PAVE podcast. There is so much we can say about you; you are a Tedx speaker, an international human rights activist who has spent the last 27 years supporting victims and survivors of honour based violence and cultural abuse, forced marriage. Mandy what can you tell us more about yourself?

Mandy: Okay I am Mandy Sanghera, I live in the UK but actually I travel all around the world and talking about honour based violence, ritual abusive practices. So a lot of the work that I do is nothing to do with religion it’s about cultural practices. So we talk about FGM, we talk about forced marriages; we talk about children being branded witches or young girls experiencing breast ironing. So forms of violence against women and I have been doing this for 27 years.

Alianne: And you are involved with UN?

Mandy: With what I am involved with the UN is actually a part of the UN women for youth. So what I am doing now, because something that I am very passionate about is actually inspiring and motivating the next generation. Because somebody like myself who has now smashed the glass ceiling is so important that actually I inspire and actually empower and help the next generation. It’s important that a woman of colour who has campaigned on disability and women’s rights and talked about issues that my community would not talk about 27 or 25 years ago. So it’s important now that I am empowering the next generation to take a stand so that’s why I am involved. I am flying out to New York again in March and I will be talking at CSW for youth, I will be talking about ending violence against women again.

Alianne: Is this something going on right now that you are working on?

Read More »

Activism, Interview, PAVE Podcast, Speaking

CPS and visitation right’s of an abusive father

cps

(This blog was originally written by me for LifeSurfer in 2015/2016)

Question from a reader

I received an email from someone in a tough situation with Youth Care, the family judge and the Dutch Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service. Because I receive this type of questions quite often from women all over the world who are forced to give their children to their abusive ex-partners I thought it would be wise to translate my blogpost for the Dutch LifeSurfer and share it with you all. I’m aware that I’m recommending Dutch lawyers and am talking about a Dutch case and Dutch organisations, but I know that a lot of you are in the same tough situation. To find good lawyers and other professionals in your neighbourhood, use Google, investigate, ask questions and seek references from professional domestic violence organisations in your area.

My reply to the reader’s question:

Dear …

I am sorry that you’re in such a tough situation. I understand how you feel – the enormous frustration and helplessness =that makes you want to fly up the wall.

Personally, I can’t do a lot for you besides showing my sympathy and give you some tips from my experiences about what to do and what not to do. Keep in mind that every situation and outcome is different and that, from my computer, I can’t study all facets of your situation or predict outcomes.

Tip 1;

don’t stress the situation with Youth Care and CPS type of organisations too much; how weird that might sound. I know you want to show them that your concerns are real and justified but the more you underscore the situation, the less they will believe you. In the beginning, I thought: ‘If I tell them 10 times what happened to the children and me, they will believe me.” However, this had the opposite effect. Don’t get me wrong; you do have to tell them what happened to you and especially the children but don’t keep telling them the same thing over and over again. When they decide that they don’t believe you or that they are not going to act on it because of their inadequate knowledge about child abuse, partner violence and the ruling dogma’s within the organisations that should defend your child, you’ll find it hard to change that mentality. It might be best to find others to support your cause.

Tip 2;

make sure you have a very good lawyer and be critical before you hire one. It is important that you feel supported and taken seriously. My lawyer is Mr. Erkens from The Hague. You need a lawyer with his or her heart in the right place, who is willing to fight for your case. Mr. Erkens is a real support during hearings and shows me that I am not the only one defending my children. I live up north and his office is in The Hague but he doesn’t have any problems traveling back and forth. Before him I had other lawyers who’s main priority was keeping a good acquaintance with the judge than to defend my children with a bit more passion which resulted in much pain. Finding an lawyer who puts your children and you first and really go for it, is an enormous support.

Unfortunately, the truth is that the current justice system works against women. Many professionals are busy turning the tides but until then the situation is as it is. Another law firm that has my (professional) interest is Van Kempen cs in Amsterdam. I don’t know Van Kempen cs personally, but they have specialisations that could be helpful in your case.

You can follow my path, but there can be consequences

If you think your kids are suffering from the visitation rights, you can follow my path. I didn’t give away my children for visitation because I believed their physical and mental safety was the most important thing. During the initial visitations my children were abused both mentally and physically by their biological father with all the consequences that had for them. When I stopped the visitation I was threatened with hostage, fines and the threat that the children would have to live with their biological father although he abused them. Ultimately, I received only fines but for me, the safety of my children was more important than anything else.

Tip three;

Keep a journal in which you write down everything that happens. Make sure you have a voice recorder app on your phone or tablet. You can use this to record your ex and/or child, for example, when your child says something shocking or shares her or his experiences with their biological father. Don’t ask much questions but give room for your child talk freely. Questions are often seen as if you lead the child in his statements and thoughts about her or his father.

Tip four;

Seek help for your child on your own. Don’t let a Youth Care employee or organisation do this; instead ask, for example, an independent specialised  childpsychologist. Look for childpsychologists who specialise in the field of child abuse, trauma recovery etc. Such a psychologist can draft an independent report. Ask this psychologist how you can best guide your children through these hard times.

Beware; There are many youthcare organisations that you can’t recognise as such.  They present themselves as independent operating companies, but are part of youth care. A practice with only a few psychologists specializing in children and adolescents is usually trustworthy but try to find out if they are really not part of youth care in your region.

Tip five;

Press charges. You didn’t tell me the age of your children and if you have pressed charges but the latter is important to consider if something has happened in the area of abuse. If you are abused during the relationship, if he threatens you now, press charges. If you’re worried that the charges will trigger or can lead to an angry outburst from him ask for help from a shelter so you and your children are off the radar for a while untill he has calmed down.

Support in your battle for the welfare of your child

Here are a number of books that I recommend you read:

Books of Lundi Bancroft like for example: “why does he do that?” and Donald Dutton: “the abusive personality”

This link might interest you as well:

https://www.domesticshelters.org/domestic-violence-articles-information/category/child-custody

I also have a Facebook page for lifesurfer: www.facebook.com/lifesurfer.net.  You can also search for support groups in your neighbourhood.

The battle you must fight for your child’s interest is very tough, and I’m very sorry you must go through it. Be sure to take a moment for yourself now and then to clear your head. Follow your own insights. Remember that I give you tips based on my experiences and my experiences and outcomes may differ from yours.

Do breathing exercises (you can’t make long-term decisions while you’re stressed) and make sure you have support around you.

I wish you lots of strength and happiness,

Alianne

Abuse, Activism, Family by blood